tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65196272956874328392024-02-19T08:38:07.980-08:00The Mogul's Film OdysseyThe Mogul is a deranged supervillain living in a dank labyrinth within a hollowed out volcano near the City Centre of Glasgow, Scotland. Between acts of cruelty and terror he procrastinates from his plans of world domination by watching movies and moaning about how they don't make 'em like they used to. He bids you welcome to join him on a journey through the world of films, old and new but mostly terrible.The Mogulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13280029392130296186noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6519627295687432839.post-61446779118827707712016-09-04T12:40:00.000-07:002016-09-06T01:22:30.178-07:00BIG REVIEW: Potter Marathon Part 2: Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets (AKA Deus Ex Maphoenix)<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #666666;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Note: This post WILL contain spoilers for the above film but not for the films and books that follow (mainly because I haven’t seen/read them yet so can’t ruin anything.) Out of basic decency I request that you avoid further spoilers in the comments so not to ruin the series for anyone who is watching along with us or, more importantly, me. You have been warned so no complaining!</span> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One film down, seven to go and we approach the second film in the series with trepidation. The last write-up took far too much time and effort and not just for you poor readers. I spent an ungodly amount of time trying to copy-type it from crumpled beermats I found stuck to my person the night after watching the first film as part of a Harry Potter drinking game of my own invention (basically you put on the film and then you keep drinking until it makes sense or goes away.)</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Attempting this game with Michael Bay's Transformers </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">movies </span><br />
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So I have promised myself that this write-up will be shorter and more straight to the point. I can only hope that Chris Columbus will copy this sentiment with the script for today's movie "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" (or, as I'm sure it must be known in America based on the last film, "Speccy Kid and the Room of Stuff")</div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Wait... I just checked the runtime and this thing is 3 hours long! Jesus Christ. This thing is 10 minutes longer than the film of Cloud Atlas and it was trying to tell six separate stories set centuries apart and linked only through an overarching theme of karmic resonance. This thing is 15 minutes longer than Boyhood and it told the story of a young boys entire childhood and burgeoning adulthood and took the entire 12 years depicted to film. </span><span style="font-family: "\22 helvetica neue\22 " , "\22 arial\22 " , "\22 helvetica\22 " , sans-serif;">How could you possibly need all that runtime just to tell the story of some kids going to magic school. </span>Sigh... okay let's do this.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Unlike the rather magical opening scene of the first film, this one starts fairly mundanely with Harry sitting in his room at home reminiscing about the previous year while looking at cheesy photos. He also has his (fully grown) owl Hedwig with him who is kept in a tiny cage that he can't even spread his wings inside of. I assume this is just to remind Harry of all the animal cruelty he is missing out on until Hogwarts starts up again. One thing that concerns me is that Dumbledore and Hagrid have previously been shown to know quite a lot about Harry and his past and yet, despite clearly knowing he comes from an abusive household, they are happy to send him back there until they've finished enjoying their summer holidays. No wonder he takes it out on the owl.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Although Dumbledore is otherwise committed until the end of the ZZ Top European tour.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Dursleys (Harry's stepfamily) are preparing for a visit from The Masons: Uncle Vernon's boss and his wife. (Amusingly Mr Mason is played by none other than Bishop Brennan from Father Ted. Sadly this appears to be only a brief appearance and he doesn't call Harry '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rggspuTEir8">you little bollocks</a>' once) Meanwhile Harry is moaning about the fact that he hasn't received a single letter from any of his friends <a href="http://favim.com/orig/201108/31/alone-deathly-hallows-forever-alone-glasses-harry-potter-Favim.com-134248.jpg" target="_blank">all summer</a><a href="http://www.memecenter.com/uploaded/9825fcac72a416991a1f23f4d5afff37.jpg">.</a> Harry hides in his room sulking to avoid ruining the important dinner and is shocked to find Dobby, a house elf, hiding in his room.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Aaaaaargh! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it with fire!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ignoring the fact that he looks like a terrifying abomination, I have actually been looking forward to Dobby being introduced since he is responsible for the inspiration behind one of the most loveable characters on <a href="http://youtu.be/Mqcbh1ZI_J0" target="_blank">Peep Show</a>. Although, to be honest, that's a small selection group as most characters on that show are bastards. (If you don't already love Peep Show, your homework is to click <a href="http://www.channel4.com/programmes/peep-show" target="_blank">this link</a> to watch the first series legally for free. If you have watched it but don't love it, your homework is to cover yourself in gravy and run around a lion enclosure shouting "Tasty treat time, Simba" until you are no longer able to dilute the human gene pool with your shameful existence.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So Dobby (after breaking into Harry's house) admits that he has been watching Harry for a while and knows all about him. He then admits that is was himself who stole Harry's mail in order to make him feel unwanted. After that he tells Harry that he must not go back to school and must stay locked in at home all year to avoid the danger outside. When Harry tries to question this, Dobby gets upset and starts <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emo-pop#Emo_pop" target="_blank">violently self harming</a>. This was the point when I started to suspect that Dobby might have been based on one of my ex-girlfriends. Harry tries to decide what to do about what Dobby is telling him. I could think of a few solutions and all of them involve the words "restraining order."</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Pictured: The most effective form of restraining order.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Most annoyingly Dobby seems to be incapable of using the words "I" or "you" and only ever refers to Harry as Harry Potter and himself as Dobby. I understand this is supposed to be cute but it switches from endearing to extremely annoying in about the time it takes to bludgeon a house elf with a shoe and stuff it screaming into a trash compactor. If there's one thing that The Mogul hates, it's people who talk about themselves in the third person.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Harry is determined to ignore Dobby's warnings and go back to school anyway, so the creepy little shit decides to take matters into his own hands and ruins the dinner party, blaming it on Harry. Uncle Vernon is not happy and bans Harry from going back to Hogwarts. He then keeps him prisoner in his bedroom in order to stop him from trying to go. Things seem hopeless for Harry and just as it seems like they can't get any worse, he peers out through his (now barred) window and witnesses something truly terrifying.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Gingers at the window! Gingers at the window!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Thankfully it's just Ron and his creepy twin brothers coming to rescue Harry from this prison. He escapes through the window and disappears into the night in Ron's dad's magic flying car. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Harry spends the summer at Ron's house which is much more comfortable considering that his parents are <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julie_Walters" target="_blank">Educating Rita</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOhZgAPn_CU" target="_blank">Patrick Nice</a>. Just before the school year starts back the whole family decide to go shopping for supplies. To get to the shops they use something called Floo Powder which basically allows them to teleport to anywhere they say (which raises the question of why the bother to own a car at all?) Stupidly Harry mispronounces Diagon Alley as 'diagonally' which causes him to be launched in the wrong direction. Good thing they weren't planning to travel to <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arsoli" target="_blank">Arsoli</a> in Italy or, say, the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butt_of_Lewis" target="_blank">Butt of Lewis</a>.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ron once accidentally ended up sending himself</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">They end up in a bookshop where there is a book signing by a pompous celebrity wizard called Gilderoy Lockhart; played by Kenneth Branagh who appears to have taken a break from Shakespeare to tackle Britain's actual most popular writer. We later find out that he is the new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher. I can only assume that Dumbledore saw him starring as the child-snatching nutter A.O. Neville in Rabbit-Proof Fence and decided that he was exactly the sort of person who would fit in well at Hogwarts.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the same scene we are also introduced to Lucius Malfoy, the father of everyone's favourite snivelling little shit, Draco. We can instantly tell that he is evil because he has long platinum blonde hair and Rowling appears to have colour-coded her characters for ease of recognition (Black hair = Troubled by destiny, Ginger/Auburn = Stoic and likeable, Bottle-blonde = Privileged and evil.)</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Where could she possibly have got an idea like that from?</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We can see from Lucius' Aryan looks, sneering disdain for those less well off than himself, his love for (currently historical) maniac Voldemort and his talk of "pure-blood" wizards that Rowling appears to be setting up her villains to be ersatz Nazis. An interesting approach, and commendable since children are never too young to be taught about systematic genocide. Though to be honest, I can't help wondering if this is just an attempt to cover up the horrible racist "jewblin" situation she implied in the last film.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin94aSryiAM_zyOADrKauUQgbaqUJ4d7EjkUidRv_DGsyeB_EkIIWRAlo9S9KLjOZaWZBkvT8fVP6nx1JOcbmPpC2qkZxpbvw7yn8I-BGFgKAGq52ZKnpPfyMeVq9vf1vVEO85mh25/s1600/goblin.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin94aSryiAM_zyOADrKauUQgbaqUJ4d7EjkUidRv_DGsyeB_EkIIWRAlo9S9KLjOZaWZBkvT8fVP6nx1JOcbmPpC2qkZxpbvw7yn8I-BGFgKAGq52ZKnpPfyMeVq9vf1vVEO85mh25/s200/goblin.gif" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Never forget!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span id="goog_751620284"></span><span id="goog_751620285"></span>While here in the bookshop Gilderoy, the celebrity guest doing a book signing, pulls Harry up on stage with him to pose for a photo together and then gives him a gift of all his books. 'You can't even go to the bookshop without ending up on the front page' sneers Draco. Well he might be a smarmy little Nazi prick but the kid does have a point. We get that Harry is supposed to be special and unique but seeing literally every single non-villain character constantly kissing his ass doesn't make him the most sympathetic of protagonists. I'm starting to feel bad for being so hard on Hermione at the start of the last review. Sure she's annoyingly smug sometimes but so far she does seem to be doing most of the thinking for our heroes and only Harry seems to be getting all the praise for it. Maybe wizard society is as naturally sexist as it is racist.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUVqXS1vYLge_H9Hwrs_2kJ-SYevBvIhNVFD-BdhYkNxuzTD074gtoLSfn1Y5HeylpglYQpa4LvO2ISTHffFHU3aOr5BPeoHT4SVroqsAyV5LaZrYhyAV_24dp2e_tmyt0PyuQAOqJ/s1600/hermione_glass.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUVqXS1vYLge_H9Hwrs_2kJ-SYevBvIhNVFD-BdhYkNxuzTD074gtoLSfn1Y5HeylpglYQpa4LvO2ISTHffFHU3aOr5BPeoHT4SVroqsAyV5LaZrYhyAV_24dp2e_tmyt0PyuQAOqJ/s320/hermione_glass.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Glass-ceilingus Leviosa!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Soon after this Harry and the Weasleys head to the station in order to get the train to Hogwarts. When they get to the station they all run through the portal at platform 9&3/4. Well I say all, but Harry and Ron quite hilariously run headfirst into a brick wall</span><span style="font-family: "\22 helvetica neue\22 " , "\22 arial\22 " , "\22 helvetica\22 " , sans-serif;"> instead</span>. I'll be honest, I laughed. Few things are as amusing as excited children concussing themselves. Although they were pushing their luggage ahead of them so Harry's owl seemed to take the majority of the brunt of the crash. I'm really starting to feel sorry for that bird. Interestingly enough, the real Kings Cross station now has put up a sign for the fictional Platform 9&3/4 so that extremely hopeful Harry Potter fans can now give themselves head injuries recreating <a href="http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=platform+9+and+3+quarters&aq=0&oq=platform+9" target="_blank">this scene</a> while desperately trying to get to Hogwarts. I take this as an explanation for the quality of the reams of Harry Potter Fanfic available online as it certainly reads as if it was written by people suffering <a href="http://pottersues.livejournal.com/" target="_blank">recent brain damage</a>.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Stuck on the wrong side of the portal, Harry and Ron decide to travel there in Ron's dad's magic flying car. Realising that they might be seen by Muggles they press a button which makes the car completely invisible while it flies. This is the kind a fun magical stuff which could only exist in an imaginative fantasy series like this or a really <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfQRl3Y9NQ0" target="_blank">fucking terrible Bond film</a>.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFo8uqGN5wJlSF8jsBR0bY5hTt4Fmk9vRBsgZtGOgnUt4meLCgub59DDKlO4vhZK7Pp4HG6ODoXyQWS4Gtwga8RR1_hJ9Il5Nglu1piO8DECRipVfdS74sSiDy5bJz_6nO9ApodsNE/s1600/madonna-die-another-day.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFo8uqGN5wJlSF8jsBR0bY5hTt4Fmk9vRBsgZtGOgnUt4meLCgub59DDKlO4vhZK7Pp4HG6ODoXyQWS4Gtwga8RR1_hJ9Il5Nglu1piO8DECRipVfdS74sSiDy5bJz_6nO9ApodsNE/s320/madonna-die-another-day.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Never forget!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The flying car sequence is actually pretty good fun as Harry, Ron and (again!) poor poor Hedwig completely lose control of the vehicle, barely avoid being hit by a train and eventually get it smashed up by an angry tree. This leads to Harry and Ron being threatened with potential expulsion from Hogwarts. Not because they almost derailed a train which could've lead to the deaths of countless innocent children but because they allowed some Muggles to witness their magic. Apparently the greater crime is not mass culpable homicide but revealing the wizard world to the normal, ugly British public. This is where I start to have issues with the mythology of this series. I understand that the wizard world is supposed to be a magical, exciting alternative to everyday life but surely as moral citizens they have a duty to, say, introduce the wider medical community to their miraculous healing spells, or use their abilities to prevent wars or end famines? Meanwhile, fellow wizards might be incapable of stopping a powerful sorcerer like Voldemort but surely a less magic but well trained military operation could simply Seal Team Six his ass? This insistence on cutting themselves off entirely from the rest of the sane world makes even the good wizards seem like a bunch of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kim_dynasty_(North_Korea)" target="_blank">luddite</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicolae_Ceau%C8%99escu" target="_blank">regressive</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UK_Independence_Party" target="_blank">reactionaries</a> dooming themselves due to a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Trump" target="_blank">misplaced superiority complex</a>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">T</span>his seems especially bizarre when you consider the Ministry of Magic requires a whole department for trying to work out simple concepts like rubber ducks even though more than half of wizards apparently have at least one Muggle parent. How cut off from reality are these people?</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5BVVc57fhY_ZJcpndxrhLhMvf4znIVi29pYcyHwEv4baevSOb-5SXS0-CxBfWQzUuloBqGg4eb4Efhr4w0NxGcteRE3nLQ_wq8jbINk2ds4QnQQOs8YtH4eGr23l6nVO3NFU-YvvI/s1600/weasley+fire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5BVVc57fhY_ZJcpndxrhLhMvf4znIVi29pYcyHwEv4baevSOb-5SXS0-CxBfWQzUuloBqGg4eb4Efhr4w0NxGcteRE3nLQ_wq8jbINk2ds4QnQQOs8YtH4eGr23l6nVO3NFU-YvvI/s320/weasley+fire.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Harry, can you explain to me how to use a fork, or a toaster or</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">what fire is? I put the first thing in the second and now the third</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">one appears to be attacking the whole kitchen and my legs.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We see the kids taking their first Defence of the Dark Arts class held by Gilderoy Lockheart. He quickly reveals himself to be the kind of dangerous narcissist who put self promotion above education standards to a degree almost approaching <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/education/2014/aug/05/how-gove-reforms-drove-me-out-teaching" target="_blank">Michael Gove levels</a>. This class ends when Gilderoy releases a bunch of pixies in the class and then runs away when they start attacking everyone. (Well I say everyone, it's mainly Neville again. I'm starting to suspect that Hogwarts keep Neville around as a sort of Miner's Canary and it'll take his death before they bother to put in any safety regulations for the other kids)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Later that night Harry is awoken in the middle of the night. There is a strange whispering voice repeating over and over 'Harry Potter I'm going to kill you' which no-one appears to be able to hear. Luckily Harry <i>can</i> hear this so I know this was actually part of the film and not just me mumbling to myself again in frustration. Harry follows the voice and it leads him to a dead cat and a message scrawled across a wall in blood stating that the eponymous Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Finally some darkness! The first Harry Potter was surprisingly creepy near the end (especially with Harry face-melting his enemy at the climax) so I hoped that this would continue the trend but this is the first real inkling so far. Well at least the plot seems to be actually starting now at, what, about an hour into the film. Most kids films would be into their third act by now. Wait... what's that? The cat's not dead, it's just 'petrified.' So where did the blood come from. Was someone just carrying around a bucket of blood so they could write this message and then decided to attack a cat with magic afterwards? Surely a more threatening villain would be ruthlessly efficient enough to just smash the cat into the wall repeatedly until the spatter resembles words. Or multiple cats, crammed into the brickwork in some gory, mewling mess that roughly looks like letters. That would properly fuck those kids up. (Although this may explain why my series of children's novels were never published.)</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Apparently there isn't a market for 'Little Suzie and the</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">People Who Fucking Deserved What They Got.'</span></td></tr>
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Dumbledore promises that the cat will be saved which seems to briefly suggest that Hogwarts is beginning to show some concern for animal welfare. This doesn't last though. Literally the next day we see Harry and Ron in a class where they are told to turn live rats into water goblets for some unknown reason (is there some sort of glassware shortage in the wizard world?) Everyone laughs at Ron because he messes up his spell and only half-changes his so it rolls around flailing it's tail wilding and screeching in panic. Ha ha Ron! You're supposed to make their mouths disappear too so you can hear their screams of pain and existential terror.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBI2ol7mL2clzSNuEw8nCoU3nV-RzibHgvK1uyZaUf8Rk05-OJQw7wuoaRqSHksP0eywiNS1E_YYcdLQVuqp5BeI1ODarBbT5MSQNGYVEZIaxhbHs9ZuC96J6xfNakC1GgsJyGGYsc/s1600/cups.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="157" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBI2ol7mL2clzSNuEw8nCoU3nV-RzibHgvK1uyZaUf8Rk05-OJQw7wuoaRqSHksP0eywiNS1E_YYcdLQVuqp5BeI1ODarBbT5MSQNGYVEZIaxhbHs9ZuC96J6xfNakC1GgsJyGGYsc/s200/cups.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We have no mouths <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AndIMustScream" target="_blank">but we must scream</a>!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Soon after we get yet another <a href="http://replygif.net/170" target="_blank">Quidditch</a> match. Before the match we see the team captain talk about how they are going to train earlier, harder and longer than ever before to become the best team they can (despite the fact than only Harry actually seems to effect the game in any way.) I feel sorry for this guy putting in the effort and fighting hard for the full length of a match only to have the final result decided at the last second by factors entirely out of his control. Although <a href="http://www.scotsman.com/news/opinion/aidan-smith-scotland-world-class-at-agonising-defeats-1-3921726">he is Scottish</a> so I'm sure he's very much used to this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Despite my hatred of the sport (especially it's, ugh, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quidditch_(sport)" target="_blank">real life version</a>) I have to admit that the Quidditch sequence was pretty damn good. It was exciting and action packed. I do have to wonder why no-one stopped the game once it became clear that a rogue 'bludger' was clearly trying to kill Harry. Everyone is equally uninterested when Draco is thrown from his broom in a way that suggests serious internal injuries, including his own father who just sighs disdainfully. With family like this, no wonder he's turning out such an insufferable little dipshit. Harry breaks his arm during this incident and Gilderoy attempts to fix it. Although his spell only makes it weird and floppy in a surprising and effective bit of body horror. Harry is taken to the medical centre to wait for his bones to grow back. It's a group ward, obviously, because leaving a teenage boy alone with soft hand that he can't feel anymore is a recipe for disaster.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzsCvftDV-hJKytqpZ2xMqiX1JYO1Jng-vuEd2qW4jshPbd680Zb4izhqyPGwCiDp6rDeESbd8kYkoh2p_xIsbIGo71TNSe_Xi83xwHXhDu8GqnBDNl2V6dqO94wHkTZMQY2YPYgeW/s1600/potterwank.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzsCvftDV-hJKytqpZ2xMqiX1JYO1Jng-vuEd2qW4jshPbd680Zb4izhqyPGwCiDp6rDeESbd8kYkoh2p_xIsbIGo71TNSe_Xi83xwHXhDu8GqnBDNl2V6dqO94wHkTZMQY2YPYgeW/s320/potterwank.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Dear god, Potter. At least wait until I've left the room!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">While in hospital Harry is visited again by Dobby who must love having Harry alone in a place he can't escape from. Dobby admits that it was him who closed the portal in the station to prevent Harry travelling. It was also him who caused the tree to smash up the Weasley car and the bludger to attack Harry during the game (because of course it was!) Then Dobby gets overemotional and starts brutally beating his own head off the wall. Seriously Dobby is the most terrifyingly stalkerish character I've seen in a kids film since that <a href="http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/critical-analysis-of-twilight/articles/21294/title/ways-edward-cullen-abusive" target="_blank">hebephile vampire</a> guy in Twilight. Are kids really into these creepy abusive characters? This can't bode well for the future.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-Gt7cSkIet8v2v2riyBivKgYGMeld1eyTCY7qToJTFsnmfln1IlcYyPOwy6eYJRjMnBPCA-8bTGnXXpFiEiBKHCnce8_5CkLIkDm_VW-_V1mg1UKmAlDQ7lAMkvrz5sqJpnBo6fgn/s1600/Chris-Brown-010.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-Gt7cSkIet8v2v2riyBivKgYGMeld1eyTCY7qToJTFsnmfln1IlcYyPOwy6eYJRjMnBPCA-8bTGnXXpFiEiBKHCnce8_5CkLIkDm_VW-_V1mg1UKmAlDQ7lAMkvrz5sqJpnBo6fgn/s320/Chris-Brown-010.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This man has 5 UK Top Ten albums. Sigh...</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Interestingly Dobby usually only starts self-harming when forced to say something bad about his masters however he also does so this time whenever asked who is plotting against Harry. I don't think it would take great genius to put two and two together here. Still somehow Harry doesn't pick up on this 'coincidence.'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Anyway, while in the hospital, Harry hears the teachers confirming that the Chamber of Secrets has been opened and that the pupils are in danger. Suspecting Draco to be responsible, Harry, Ron and Hermione meet up in the bathroom to devise a plan to catch him out. While in there they meet Moaning Myrtle. Myrtle is a shrill ghost of a teenage girl who is aggressively self-loathing and flies wildly around shrieking endlessly about her self hatred. Remember when I said that I was pretty sure Dobbie would be my least favourite character in the whole series? Yeah.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Also she looks almost exactly like Harry Potter in drag.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN8XhtwAKLwSwXMQ04i35nsSdRQ21pFC_NPhi8Eiq3pFpitsrUbXkEeHiXfGrMOgLnkOn_vfa0_zbkrCKzVl6AOaMKtBNHKOdovCieyYQ3ovK9kSrIte5J-KRaPxkczCXOtFnGJb7p/s1600/Moaning_myrtle_hpcs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN8XhtwAKLwSwXMQ04i35nsSdRQ21pFC_NPhi8Eiq3pFpitsrUbXkEeHiXfGrMOgLnkOn_vfa0_zbkrCKzVl6AOaMKtBNHKOdovCieyYQ3ovK9kSrIte5J-KRaPxkczCXOtFnGJb7p/s320/Moaning_myrtle_hpcs.jpg" width="304" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Either she is supposed to represent Harry's repressed feminine </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">side or the costume department were just hungover that day.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So our heroes plan to disguise themselves as members of House Slytherin in order to spy on Draco Malfoy and try to find out what is happening. Harry and Ron decide to make themselves look like Draco's henchmen Crabbe and Goyle. Luckily for them Crabbe and Goyle are fat and, in JK Rowling's world, fat kids are so stupidly obsessed with food that, even when already carrying an armful of treats, they will still stuff their face full of cupcakes that are levitating in the air as if possessed by Pazuzu.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1YtM5A8vR_U50ELgA1mWjINfOexo1balWu_d9CZ8tWwhFIu5gCoUU5CWrZPNnxrPrQhRqY0GuMwlLZgMYfYZrA1SaRUWiuBA06dTg5psLpmJIgi36jg-165rYbTbq-mlH63jNuJv9/s1600/evil+cupcake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1YtM5A8vR_U50ELgA1mWjINfOexo1balWu_d9CZ8tWwhFIu5gCoUU5CWrZPNnxrPrQhRqY0GuMwlLZgMYfYZrA1SaRUWiuBA06dTg5psLpmJIgi36jg-165rYbTbq-mlH63jNuJv9/s1600/evil+cupcake.jpg" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Your mother stuffs cakes in Greggs!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So once Harry and Ron have successfully roofie'd Crabbe and Goyle (I'm not going to question how they already had access and knowledge of magic Rohypnol since the film seems to think that is normal in wizard circles) they meet up with Hermione to drink the disgusting looking Polyjuice potion to change their appearance. The transformation sequence is actually pretty clever and effective and soon Harry and Ron are off spying on Draco with new faces. This is a pretty good bit of luck for the actors playing Crabbe and Goyle as it means that they would be technically correct if they told people they played Harry and Ron in the movie. I'm sure that fact really boosted their success later in life.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvFZn6_LLmzv6yV44KJCYQ3TvQUzQmXISjenypMDE3hQSttux3As_iirW1xIlAocEmcHqPY8XB0aYw28JLOsMjZegU9cwQ7u-P9TQ7LbAmnfg-my_uDaUNfDErxPoetiamhy1vjUFq/s1600/crabbe+riot.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvFZn6_LLmzv6yV44KJCYQ3TvQUzQmXISjenypMDE3hQSttux3As_iirW1xIlAocEmcHqPY8XB0aYw28JLOsMjZegU9cwQ7u-P9TQ7LbAmnfg-my_uDaUNfDErxPoetiamhy1vjUFq/s320/crabbe+riot.png" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Oh...</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The plan doesn't succeed in revealing much other than that Draco isn't involved in the plot. Although it could be worse. Hermione's attempt to join in backfired when she accidentally used cat hair causing her to turn into a real life <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Furry_fandom">Furry</a>.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDRi30SQNMK7bxVKelvrWMPLHc1SoGX8EU73qdgZUob2VBPXlFwR964uSESsBHe6IypFPGkPShxSwtt-caCN1hO0qxsBJBtXYRE5WzpRqPRHOEwaij4P_uVl7bunIwdo8nzhGb2Hjx/s1600/Hermione-cat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDRi30SQNMK7bxVKelvrWMPLHc1SoGX8EU73qdgZUob2VBPXlFwR964uSESsBHe6IypFPGkPShxSwtt-caCN1hO0qxsBJBtXYRE5WzpRqPRHOEwaij4P_uVl7bunIwdo8nzhGb2Hjx/s320/Hermione-cat.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This one scene guaranteed that poor Emma Watson would be harassed <br />by even more weirdos on the internet than she already was.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Shortly afterwards, Harry finds a soggy book lying on the floor of a toilet cubicle and takes it home, probably assuming it's a copy of the Sunday Sport as it usually is in public bathrooms.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNNNUsbLdbKjiMe-7FbDSVOHHRduVV3Mj9ACReSLoV4yw6hFwwxvn28ARZa5POzyQ-wGB7IY-xYV3Yr-wk28YXbs4uHa168Ve3Qm0d1-nfFOooJqp8pszd4Xr7Uz62N1_nMD3qi812/s1600/sunday+sport.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNNNUsbLdbKjiMe-7FbDSVOHHRduVV3Mj9ACReSLoV4yw6hFwwxvn28ARZa5POzyQ-wGB7IY-xYV3Yr-wk28YXbs4uHa168Ve3Qm0d1-nfFOooJqp8pszd4Xr7Uz62N1_nMD3qi812/s320/sunday+sport.jpg" width="250" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Britain's classiest newspaper</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The book turns out to be a diary written by a student from 50 years ago called Tom Riddle. Realising that the diary dates from around the same period as the last time the Chamber of Secrets was opened, Harry hopes it may help to understand what is happening (To be honest, by this point I was hoping it would hold the whole screenplay for this film so we could finally get some forward plot momentum).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So Harry gets sucked into the book (both figuratively and literally) and finds out that it was Hagrid who was accused of releasing the monster from the chamber. Before he can do anything with this information he is called away to discover that Hermione has now also been petrified after looking at the creature.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmMkndFiMoOic7LUD5AqB0Mv-JBNo0ucXOlz5jx_-T-hkjoPHBgHUKoZVjz6iyZKd5ocjpQd5Rw5bjlA2XgeRWi6tO8RJfTYp0Uh87OWhttpuu4vwWj6K6fJ7TN7TX43re9cnsg7l1/s1600/Petrified+Hermione.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmMkndFiMoOic7LUD5AqB0Mv-JBNo0ucXOlz5jx_-T-hkjoPHBgHUKoZVjz6iyZKd5ocjpQd5Rw5bjlA2XgeRWi6tO8RJfTYp0Uh87OWhttpuu4vwWj6K6fJ7TN7TX43re9cnsg7l1/s320/Petrified+Hermione.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is how I looked after being forced to watch <br />an episode of Mrs Brown's Boys.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Harry and Ron then sneak out to speak to Hagrid to see if he can shed any light on the situation. Before he can talk to them, Dumbledore, a fabulously sneering Lucius Malfoy and the brilliantly named Cornelius Fudge arrive and promptly arrest Hagrid and discuss Dumbledore's resignation as headmaster. Before leaving, Hagrid hints to the boys to 'follow the spiders' to learn the truth.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So the boys follow the spiders off into the forest at night where they meet up with Aragog, the gigantic spider that Hagrid had been expelled for owning. There they discover that Aragog was not the monster from the Chamber and that Hagrid was innocent but not before the creepy crawly decides to feed them to his army of children. I'm not sure what Hagrid was trying to achieve by sending two young boys off into a forest at night to meet with a family of giant man-eating spiders? Man, he really wants those kids dead.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6Y1XmQPyzXeeWtQj5bPZq8dbgCBTXO4gHSX-PL1DW-40bStAbFoTJqICCNdRlo5H0Z0ozzmaaF62HIZMLD9AtbmEZKVGfUOj4LI2xLZDWKVgP8z_Jk1nr-PDvzQw4rKqy5lIUvH80/s1600/youre-a-wizard-harry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6Y1XmQPyzXeeWtQj5bPZq8dbgCBTXO4gHSX-PL1DW-40bStAbFoTJqICCNdRlo5H0Z0ozzmaaF62HIZMLD9AtbmEZKVGfUOj4LI2xLZDWKVgP8z_Jk1nr-PDvzQw4rKqy5lIUvH80/s320/youre-a-wizard-harry.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You're a dinner, Harry</td></tr>
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Luckily they are saved by Ron's (now sentient) car which drives in to their rescue. I'm kinda surprised that Ron's car remains so loyal to him after he climbed inside it, drove it recklessly around and got it battered up. Especially considering that Hagrid's 'loyal pet' Aragog (whose life he saved) just tried to reward him by eating his friends alive.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Harry and Ron go to visit Hermione again at the hospital and very conveniently find a piece of paper screwed up inside her fist. (Seriously, she's been comatose for a few days and no-one has even attempted to remove the paper in her hand yet? The medical standards of Hogwarts are almost as bad as their educational ones) The paper confirms that the monster is a Basilisk and Harry deduces that coincidentally the entrance to the Chamber must be in the bathroom that a good third of this film seems to have already been set in.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrFMZUHoRMmZKMdaGW_2xcSkAE3aurKhDS1f7f5mretRmDZ7uAMRpc09q1u4d3vvw7ahh7H-e4_bPOTKRtdR_EIBW4GyFeAmR4a6qAlfVGl7l0km96V77NSGsOq-4c8wVpnhLUOuVp/s1600/jeff+-+when+you+gotta.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrFMZUHoRMmZKMdaGW_2xcSkAE3aurKhDS1f7f5mretRmDZ7uAMRpc09q1u4d3vvw7ahh7H-e4_bPOTKRtdR_EIBW4GyFeAmR4a6qAlfVGl7l0km96V77NSGsOq-4c8wVpnhLUOuVp/s320/jeff+-+when+you+gotta.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'When you've gotta go, you've gotta go.'</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Shortly after Ginny Weasley (Ron's little sister) is kidnapped and the teachers plan to close the school, putting the obviously incompetent Gilderoy Lockheart in charge of catching the monster. Harry and Ron try to recruit him to help catch the basilisk but find him packing his bags to flee the school as soon as possible. It turns out that Gilderoy is a complete bullshit artist who has no actual useful skills and that his entire success and celebrity is based off of plagiarism and him taking credit for the work of others. His only actual achievement is his magical ability to silence criticism against him and once given any actual responsibility he instantly folds under pressure and attempts to run away.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGlAVZxdJE_OQccPW0OpLYxRqmwaNwKW3cGgxk1mZnZODxqL8G128iDC1wnEy7m-eqYeUGlqv1vmRklzDyS7bWkUkU4NcAhNd8Oz0P97C3eAg1XMeDKR2BmF4DXjRj6ewqu-1c9KVc/s1600/melania+trump.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGlAVZxdJE_OQccPW0OpLYxRqmwaNwKW3cGgxk1mZnZODxqL8G128iDC1wnEy7m-eqYeUGlqv1vmRklzDyS7bWkUkU4NcAhNd8Oz0P97C3eAg1XMeDKR2BmF4DXjRj6ewqu-1c9KVc/s320/melania+trump.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm not sure what this picture is doing here</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So naturally Harry and Ron get hold of Gilderoy, bring him to the bathroom and fling him down a dark hole into the sewers. Although this is also the door to the Chamber of Secrets so they end up following him once they know it is safe. Once in the sewers, Gilderoy unsurprisingly instantly turns on them but his spell backfires, causing a cave in which leaves Harry alone in the chamber. It's in here that Harry finds Ginny unconscious and meets the spirit of Tom Riddle who reveals himself to be none other than Voldemort himself. Dun-dun-dun!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Then the Basilisk attacks but before Harry can be killed by it's fatal gaze, Dumbledore's pet phoenix Fawkes flies in out of nowhere and rips it's fucking eyes out. This seems awfully convenient. If the bird knew how to get into the Chamber all along surely it could done something to help before now. (Maybe, like Dumbledore, it simply doesn't give a shit about any of the kids not named 'Harry Potter') This scene of talons clawing at eye sockets seems a bit brutal since it followed over two hours of fairly tame drama. I kinda feel sorry for the poor blind monster (although I suppose it never has to worry about being made to watch 'Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets' now).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The sorting hat (which Fawkes also brought with him produces a sword that Harry can use to fight the beast. (I won't query why the sorting hat - a sentient being - is inserting sword in itself or how the phoenix knew that Harry would be there and need a sword.) After awkwardly climbing into a corner of a statue for some reason (seriously Harry, your fighting tactics are as poor as Ron's chess skills) Harry luckily manages to stab the snake monster through the mouth killing it but not without first sustaining a potentially fatal bite wound. Pulling the poisonous tooth from his arm, Harry then uses it to repeatedly stab Tom Riddle's book killing his evil spirit by effectively wiping him from history.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUdG_biedo2CMKbc9Nz53F-rV-nRD7kP3wwdQkHabzkFzvI3_0oyzRqyuntb2eFfiVB2Pj-cWVJvfwONbXDFy1ocxqNuMuBh3IhxR927yd3Ib9TJH-hmec30NgyiToOxXJLHJIR897/s1600/Jeremy-Clarkson-Books.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="286" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUdG_biedo2CMKbc9Nz53F-rV-nRD7kP3wwdQkHabzkFzvI3_0oyzRqyuntb2eFfiVB2Pj-cWVJvfwONbXDFy1ocxqNuMuBh3IhxR927yd3Ib9TJH-hmec30NgyiToOxXJLHJIR897/s320/Jeremy-Clarkson-Books.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I attempted this move in real life and am now banned from Waterstones</td></tr>
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Harry then curls up on the floor next to Ginny expecting the Basilisk poison to kill him when Fawkes flies over to him and begins to cry. The phoenix's tears drip into Harry's wound and instantly heals it. Yes...this really happens. Then we see Fawkes picking up Harry, Ginny, Ron AND Gilderoy (yes, a small bird carrying three children and a fully grown adult man at once) and flying them out of the Chamber and into the nights sky. That's some proper cop-out bullshit right there. I'd call this a Deus Ex Machina ending but that would do a disservice to people who slap on a fake beard and get lowered onto a stage on a cloud shaped cherry-picker. That would still be a more satisfying conclusion. Although to J.K. Rowlings credit this frustrating plot twist may just be a clever reference to fantasy history since Lord of the Rings features the characters being carried to safety and home by giant eagles who were inexplicably absent earlier when the same characters took three whole books to walk there.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVx4P9W87r6V2b4SI3_8jDSMCtpqEk9BBWZgdK7S2Ot_jmablwwap_32h7f6C3sSBDaz0rME37Mo1S4XAmDcGp9bjFLQShTFdOr6I19Xi6kk4336tTe-TaM0nQZaiv9PnLA1Wp-GrQ/s1600/eagle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVx4P9W87r6V2b4SI3_8jDSMCtpqEk9BBWZgdK7S2Ot_jmablwwap_32h7f6C3sSBDaz0rME37Mo1S4XAmDcGp9bjFLQShTFdOr6I19Xi6kk4336tTe-TaM0nQZaiv9PnLA1Wp-GrQ/s320/eagle.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Want a ride? Fuck you. Pay me.</td></tr>
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After the climax of the film we get a scene where Dumbledore sums up the plot to Harry and Ron and eventually a particularly unhappy Lucius Malfoy. After this meeting Harry accuses Lucius of being behind the plot (no shit, Sherlock) and then tricks him into freeing Dobby by getting him to ask Dobby to hold a book for him which has one of Harry's socks hidden in it. (Short version, wizard law is fucking weird.) Angry at this humiliation, Lucius attacks Harry but is defended by Dobby who is now free to slap his former owner around as much as he likes. (I'd celebrate this moment of justice and emancipation if Dobby didn't goddamn terrify me so much). One thing I noticed though is that, when attacking Harry, Lucius utters the word 'Avada' before being cut off. I've heard from my HP loving friends (Harry-fans? Potterphiles?) that 'Avada Kedavra' is a 'killing curse' and causes instant death. So am I right in saying then that this film ends with a man quite clearly attempting to murder a child in public and no-one caring that this happened? Come on, wizards, what kind of horrifying dystopia are you living in? Honestly if I received a letter from Hogwarts on my 11th birthday I would've burned it for my own safety. I'd rather have gone to school in the one from Dangerous Minds.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpj1p9oOrRjEp7a4fhM-Wqva24snFvYBz8Fl3lNUA8uogHMks1y7AJbN6ZN05GEP5ZAuQWjoU3smWybHVaSw4CX7-Q5ZKVdTNRjP-CO7_eEoeeMk76oYNGP7OzTtIPmgEJcwTtFruL/s1600/dangerous+minds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpj1p9oOrRjEp7a4fhM-Wqva24snFvYBz8Fl3lNUA8uogHMks1y7AJbN6ZN05GEP5ZAuQWjoU3smWybHVaSw4CX7-Q5ZKVdTNRjP-CO7_eEoeeMk76oYNGP7OzTtIPmgEJcwTtFruL/s320/dangerous+minds.jpg" width="226" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Admit it. You only know this film exists <br />
because of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6voHeEa3ig">'Gangsta's Paradise'</a></td></tr>
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Finally we get to the last scene where all the characters are reunited in the Hogwarts banquet hall. Here we learn that everyone who was previously petrified as been cured and will be back to annoy us in the next film. Also Hagrid has returned to his job and everyone has a good old laugh about him being kept in prison unnecessarily long due to Ron screwing up the delivery of his release papers. Ha ha ha! Imagine the horrifying traumatic abuse he might have suffered over those few extra days that he'll never be able forget. Ha ha ha! There is a big celebration and the credits roll as the whole school whoops and cheers (not least because Dumbledore has decided to scrap all exams for the rest of the year)</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizn6helmdyyZi0diFj1oQDdnR8v6x-CE9w719UmEcC4d0tStiV0ZEW6YRRyOGjzxGNCWuq0AummVh5lLi9LV3z44d5pyRWwJqqSwX6q2JdhUAKaIkB-elhzgkE4XYIpje0DOKeXB4o/s1600/celebrate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="203" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizn6helmdyyZi0diFj1oQDdnR8v6x-CE9w719UmEcC4d0tStiV0ZEW6YRRyOGjzxGNCWuq0AummVh5lLi9LV3z44d5pyRWwJqqSwX6q2JdhUAKaIkB-elhzgkE4XYIpje0DOKeXB4o/s320/celebrate.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woo! Yay! None of us will ever get in University!</td></tr>
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So to sum up: I'm not a fan. I went into this film marathon expecting to hate the series but I was pleasantly surprised by how much of the first film 'Harry Potter & The Philosopher's Stone' that I found enjoyable. 'Chamber of Secrets' however was everything I'd feared. The plot was painfully slow and sluggish and the film seemed to last a lifetime. I suspect that Chris Columbus has again made the mistake of confusing an accurate adaptation with a good one. A film requires more judicious editing than a novel does. The acting from the kids is getting slightly better though and Kenneth Branagh steals every scene he's in with his pompous ludicrousness. Also the spirit of Tom Riddle makes a suitable creepy villain (even if he does take most of the film before appearing) and sets the tone for Voldemort's eventual return in the flesh. Overall I enjoyed a couple of scenes here but felt this was much more of a slog than the previous film. I've heard the there is a distinct tonal shift during the next film 'Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban' which continues for the rest of the series. I really hope that is true as otherwise I may end up feeling like I'm trapped in the titular prison myself.</div>
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<u><b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">End of Term Report Card:</span></b></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>National Treasures Unearthed</b>: Firstly Kenneth Branagh is pretty brilliant casting as the buffoonish Gildroy Lockheart. Miriam Margoyles (who is possibly best known for her <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F186jg6MsGQ">hilarious interviews</a> on the Graham Norton show) turns up as the herbology professor and Jason Isaacs is suitably condescending as the villainous Lucius Malfoy. Mark Williams and Julie Walters are pretty much perfect as the kind of thoroughly decent parents who could actually love a kid like Ron. </span></span></div>
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We also see the first appearance by Michael Gambon as a younger Dumbledore in a flashback (he would later take over the role full time after the sad death of Richard Harris. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iplpKwxFH2I">Someone must've left a cake out in the rain</a>.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">And...wait, Dobby is played by Toby Jones?! I like Toby Jones. I don't like Dobby. Boo!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Darkness Meter: </b>The bit with the spiders was nicely creepy and a load of kids got 'petrified' by a giant snake monster but unfortunately they were all recovered by the end of the film. I suppose it killed Moaning Myrtle in the past but based on the way her ghost acts, she fucking deserved it. I suppose the appearance of a self-destructive emotionally abusive elf is pretty dark but not in a fun way. This is a decided step backwards. There better be carnage next time!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Hogwarts Health & Safety Report:</b> Pretty godawful. The first class we see at the school is a herbology class where the pupils are harvesting mandrakes, a plant which screams when rooted with such power it can kill and adult. Although these juvenile plants are suggested to only have the power to shock you into unconsciousness that still seems a pretty big risk to take with children (and when it appears that Neville has fainted due to his earphones slipping no-one seems bothered. Poor Neville. The teachers want you dead.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">To their credit the Professors do eventually decide to enforce curfews and consider shutting the school for the safety of the kids but this is only due to a monster which can kill on sight being unleashed in the building (and even then, they wait until it's already attacked three kids before doing anything).</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Also they managed to replace the evil 'Defence Against the Dark Arts' teacher from the last film with a self-obsessed buffoon who </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">openly</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> risks the safety of (and eventually outright attacks) pupils for his own gain. That's a complete failure in basic vetting. They better get someone more reliable for the next term!</span><br />
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<b>How Annoying is Hermione:</b> Still a bit annoying but but less self congratulatory than in the last film. Also when compared to continuing hero worship of Harry (not to mention the sheer pain of spending any more time with either Dobby or Moaning Myrtle) Hermione comes off as pretty level headed and likeable. I think I might ditch this feature. The girl has proved her worth. Ron, on the other hand...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Best Bit:</b> The duelling scene. If only because we get to see Gilderoy absolutely bested by Snape who then sneers at his incompetence. Alan Fucking Rickman sneering is always worth the price of admission. I'm so glad to hear he's in every one of these films. God bless you Alan, you might just get me through this series.</span></div>
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The Mogulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13280029392130296186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6519627295687432839.post-33366129921150022262016-08-30T14:19:00.000-07:002016-08-31T16:15:59.646-07:00NEW RELEASE: Suicide Squad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9QcMvOBC1YJ17yYaR1HqR6tOrwti_iGlnmCO7Y3QV7K11B7UeJmQzvaJtWo6iMr5Enx59KqLPO_SNzjM2z4qjTH0by72TdXNSmHgyb6MsPR65kO0P0CLsFsuE0K7RsmorEYkLLS4i/s1600/suicide-squad-poster-big.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="393" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9QcMvOBC1YJ17yYaR1HqR6tOrwti_iGlnmCO7Y3QV7K11B7UeJmQzvaJtWo6iMr5Enx59KqLPO_SNzjM2z4qjTH0by72TdXNSmHgyb6MsPR65kO0P0CLsFsuE0K7RsmorEYkLLS4i/s640/suicide-squad-poster-big.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Suicide Squad</span></b></h4>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>(Director: David Ayer. Starring: Will Smith, Margot Robbie, Jared Leto, Viola Davis)</i></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When the first trailer for Suicide Squad appeared online at the start of this year it provoked an audible sigh of relief among critics and film fans everywhere. After the grim, turgid self-seriousness that plagued Man of Steel and Batman Vs Superman: Dawn of Martha it was a breath of fresh air to discover that Warner Bros were capable of actually having some fun with their D.C. titles. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It has long been accepted that Batman is a character defined by his antagonists. His popularity as a hero has always been supported by possibly the best rogues gallery in all of comics and especially in superhero movies (Just compare the tragic version of Harvey Dent portrayed by Aaron Eckhart to Tommy Lee Jones' cartoonish Two-Face to see how differently well handled villains can affect a movie's overall success). The idea of a film which could combine the dark-hearted humour of Deadpool with the shameless silliness of Guardians of the Galaxy while using characters lifted from Gotham City seemed like a perfect storm of everything I love about comics and a welcome change of pace from aggressively dull form of D.C.'s last two outings. I mean just look at that poster up top. That looks like the sort of perfect marriage of campy nonsense and violence that should be adorning the walls of college halls of residence the world over. </span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcqKOLxVns5DCF3tRpqGKUXMLA_DiaSENPxKQhwKw5P1qratURVcPRquSYrmkvRoeOP6t9hwABzh7y7Z5tbiUFDDqXCHiMGrHYdvBuBBcxlV5QPUlyapWIgG0cYOUyCj-7bdWNQCLw/s1600/Pink+Floyd+Back+Catalogue.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcqKOLxVns5DCF3tRpqGKUXMLA_DiaSENPxKQhwKw5P1qratURVcPRquSYrmkvRoeOP6t9hwABzh7y7Z5tbiUFDDqXCHiMGrHYdvBuBBcxlV5QPUlyapWIgG0cYOUyCj-7bdWNQCLw/s320/Pink+Floyd+Back+Catalogue.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Next to Bob Marley, Run Lola Run, Che Guevara and Pink Floyd's 'Butts' poster</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sadly, it wasn't to be. The editors of the trailers deserves some sort of award for their efforts as they have created a three minute work of art far more entertaining than the movie it was pieced together from. If the film promised by the trailer was music to our ears then sadly the film which I actually saw in the cinema felt like a terrible cover of that music, probably by Limp Bizkit.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVgMOTYwaYK2BFlJ4nAZniRj4Exa7LmtfQGco-lB6szSF5-5MlXQ1XtMqvkWyaBtT4CEq6Gz8JzbbsyW26eQumzNx96jGfYZZ0lcqlg856BBX6z-qnFoQxKNnGClhm-K-Ou1o5u3cC/s1600/fred+durst.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVgMOTYwaYK2BFlJ4nAZniRj4Exa7LmtfQGco-lB6szSF5-5MlXQ1XtMqvkWyaBtT4CEq6Gz8JzbbsyW26eQumzNx96jGfYZZ0lcqlg856BBX6z-qnFoQxKNnGClhm-K-Ou1o5u3cC/s200/fred+durst.jpg" width="193" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Clown Prince of unlikable douchebags</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Speaking of music, the soundtrack to this film somehow manages to be simultaneously great and terrible. Taking notes from the stellar soundtrack to Guardians of the Galaxy, Suicide Squad packs it's runtime with numerous classic songs from the 70s onward. But unlike with Guardians, none of them feel like an organic part of the film and instead feel slapped on top in an rushed attempt to change the tone to one more lighthearted and fun than what the images portray (this, like many of the films flaws, clearly feel like last minute re-edits borne of studio interference). Black Sabbath's 'Paranoid' plays as the characters insanity is discussed, the 'guess who's back' intro to Eminem's 'The Real Slim Shady' plays as they are released from their cells and even the ruthless team leader, Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) is introduced to the Rolling Stones' 'Sympathy For The Devil.' This would be painfully heavy handed even in a wittier, better paced movie but in one already beset by clunky, exposition heavy dialogue and simplistic themes it's damn near unforgivable.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtyYPWxcaAZGuZWRn_JQ8VKciX1NdCUPXSbBrINN6qDFzBzmPv6Ckt8a8V4TffsTMZUYTZQjB9V_PvWzkPaNCwTKJ2YzOk9u4F-2MmXvv1WjukTiGOqTFBA4w9T3DvyWV7TGmuz6M7/s1600/cee+lo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtyYPWxcaAZGuZWRn_JQ8VKciX1NdCUPXSbBrINN6qDFzBzmPv6Ckt8a8V4TffsTMZUYTZQjB9V_PvWzkPaNCwTKJ2YzOk9u4F-2MmXvv1WjukTiGOqTFBA4w9T3DvyWV7TGmuz6M7/s320/cee+lo.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If they were being honest, they would've played Cee Lo Green's 'Fuck You'<br />to the audience over the end credits</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Despite this, nothing in this film makes any sense. Even the whole concept for the Suicide Squad itself is pretty ridiculous. Amanda Waller pitches the concept for the squad on the fact that this is set in the D.C. universe where the existence of Kryptonians (such as Superman) is common knowledge. To defend against superheroes, the government (or the police or CIA, it's never really clarified) need an army of superheroes themselves. So far, so logical. It falls apart when you realise that she plans to save us all from near-indestructable beings with laser eyes and the power of flight by taking them down with a guy who can climb well and a crazy woman with a baseball bat.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi61-T6wvALJ2__Y8f7J2U8T4NobsMBRcFG8pvKV1HpuvRHIoNLQCMQvNO62S5auxo6igXPQPJDHq6ybY2AhzsyHebGJIuHC6ZXRotMJuUET2csybixiUJsZzjeVgRdhaE4JFw6Yhb9/s1600/Captain-Boomerang.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi61-T6wvALJ2__Y8f7J2U8T4NobsMBRcFG8pvKV1HpuvRHIoNLQCMQvNO62S5auxo6igXPQPJDHq6ybY2AhzsyHebGJIuHC6ZXRotMJuUET2csybixiUJsZzjeVgRdhaE4JFw6Yhb9/s320/Captain-Boomerang.png" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Behold! The awesome power of getting drunk and throwing shit.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> At this point in the film literally only one member of the Suicide Squad, Cara Delivigne's 'Enchantress' is shown to have mind-blowing superhuman abilities and upon her release she instantly turns on her handlers and plans to destroy the world becoming the film's main villain. Somehow the exact same people responsible for this utter debacle are given the job of fixing it. If the human authorities in the D.C. Universe are genuinely this incompetent all the time it's no longer surprising that Zach Snyder's frowny version of Superman hates us so much.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiMOBYGlbArLCdDQoOdEscfWgqk4qlsQa8vrO2IndntzOgQ0VDFudK-2y-4orchw8QCyoz60DjkjLFfmRDPz2gk9EIRvnPU4NvwR956hRJafxj0_9pB-gU2X3RSRl1cmeLOcERxrxM/s1600/superman+frown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiMOBYGlbArLCdDQoOdEscfWgqk4qlsQa8vrO2IndntzOgQ0VDFudK-2y-4orchw8QCyoz60DjkjLFfmRDPz2gk9EIRvnPU4NvwR956hRJafxj0_9pB-gU2X3RSRl1cmeLOcERxrxM/s320/superman+frown.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">[snort] Could you assholes not just save yourselves for once? Gawd!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Although the character's powers (or lack of) is the least of the problems the script has with them. A film can get away with a nonsensical set-up if the action which follows is enough good fun (like, say, the first Matrix film) but it becomes more apparent if what follows is completely unsatisfying (like, say, every other Matrix film). The main selling point of Suicide Squad as a concept is the idea that the </span><span style="font-family: "\22 helvetica neue\22 " , "\22 arial\22 " , "\22 helvetica\22 " , sans-serif;">main protagonists are</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> a bunch of unrepentant villains forced to do good against their will. There's something exciting about seeing our usual heroes replaced by less than stellar examples of humanity (hence the popularity of films like <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bad_Santa" target="_blank">Bad Santa</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bad_Teacher" target="_blank">Bad Teacher</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bad_Moms" target="_blank">Bad Moms</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackass_Presents:_Bad_Grandpa" target="_blank">Bad Grandpa</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bad_Lieutenant:_Port_of_Call_New_Orleans" target="_blank">Bad Lieutenant </a>and... um... <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bad_Education_(film)" target="_blank">Bad Education</a>?) The problem with Suicide Squad is that it spends so long trying to convince us that these 'Bad Guys' are likeable enough that we should be siding with them that it forgets to make them actually bad enough to stand out from any other generic heroes. </span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgORBj7X0-fuFNgwmezqlCmSHr9UgO86RsUJBVXMlDIPN_Pl137anLUhA-iLaxaovwKMl5AqpI-P6LdHw9Zyy689SZLcYO6PBbwP0my3S9hAqWOy0KhmeMU-YqMER89Wvlc3LtDkNmz/s1600/bvS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgORBj7X0-fuFNgwmezqlCmSHr9UgO86RsUJBVXMlDIPN_Pl137anLUhA-iLaxaovwKMl5AqpI-P6LdHw9Zyy689SZLcYO6PBbwP0my3S9hAqWOy0KhmeMU-YqMER89Wvlc3LtDkNmz/s320/bvS.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">These people have each heartlessly murdered more humans than</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">the entire cast of Suicide Squad combined.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Will Smith's Deadshot spends so much of his screen time pining over his estranged daughter that you almost forget that he's supposed to be a hit man. He might as well put down the sniper rifle and fully embrace his boring new role as 'Dadman' (or 'Dad-shot' if you will.) El Diablo is literally repentant and refuses to fight (building up to him eventually having to, surprising no one, and then realising he doesn't have a secondary character trait beyond pacifism). Rick Flagg and Katana are good guys throughout (not to mention that Katana only gets about 4 lines, none of which are in English) and Enchantress turns full on villain before she gets to interact with any of the rest of the team. Killer Croc gets barely any lines or anything remotely interesting to do and Slipknot is out of the film so early that they didn't even bother including him when the characters are given their expository intros (and in doing so telegraphed away what could have been the films only shock moment). This leaves Harley Quinn and Captain Boomerang as the only characters who actually fit the brief suggested by the film's plot and unsurprisingly they are the two most entertaining characters in the movie. That said, despite his early suggestions of a plot to escape (which he doesn't enact or even <i>reveal</i>) Capt. Boomerang ends up having little to no effect on the plot whatsoever. Jai Courtney gives Boomerang a genuinely fun air of a total scumbag which suggests that (much like Tom Cruise) he's an actor most associated with blank bland heroes who comes to life when allowed to be gloriously unlikable.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0oeLoqCJK2lQZdHEWt7ETiYW1KIfVtdvs_-YaFgzDpW0qnV-4Q5oyQUAPpodwx4TCOslJoLTwknt2PaklQO7NWGL8c9bZREkTBlcTPtAf5bXmYLPSxPWaRTOvq3NlBLz2SGvMb6bU/s1600/Tom-Cruise-smile.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0oeLoqCJK2lQZdHEWt7ETiYW1KIfVtdvs_-YaFgzDpW0qnV-4Q5oyQUAPpodwx4TCOslJoLTwknt2PaklQO7NWGL8c9bZREkTBlcTPtAf5bXmYLPSxPWaRTOvq3NlBLz2SGvMb6bU/s320/Tom-Cruise-smile.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Like when he played a heartless vampire, an arrogant misogynistic speaker</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a ruthless hitman or a really creepy Scientologist.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Margot Robbie injects the film with some energy as Harley Quinn but her entire character arc feels completely separated from everything else happening on screen. </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So this brings us to The Joker. Much of the early press surrounding Suicide Squad focussed on Jared Leto's preparation for taking on the mantle of the Clown Prince of Crime and especially on his apparent confusing of the difference between method acting and illegal harassment. (Say what you will about Heath Ledgers commitment to his performance in The Dark Knight but he never felt the need to <a href="http://www.eonline.com/uk/news/756297/jared-leto-sent-used-condoms-and-anal-beads-to-his-suicide-squad-co-stars-yup-you-read-that-right" target="_blank">mail his cum</a> to Christian Bale just to get into character.) In fact, based upon this, I had assumed going in the the Joker would be the primary antagonist of the movie. This would actually make more sense plot wise as it would explain why Amanda Waller felt that criminals would be knowledgable allies and why Harley Quinn would be a useful member of the team. I can't help but feel that this would make a more interesting film than the one we got which had a villain who felt like a cross between the ones in Ghostbusters and The Mummy Returns without any of the goofy charm of either film.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Much like the film itself, after weeks of hype, Leto's performance simply feels underwhelming. For someone who was acting genuinely crazy off screen, Leto seems quite boringly normal and unthreatening on it. Sure he's a violent criminal but nothing in the film suggests that he has the kind completely unpredictable genius lunacy which defines the Joker in all his best outings. In fact if you were to remove the green hair and pale skin there is nothing to suggest that he's anything but a generic short fused gangster from the Joe Pesci school. If you were to dump him in, say, The Wire, he wouldn't even come close to being the most dangerous character and you'd just find him an annoyance that you'd hope would catch a bullet from Omar and stop bothering the more professional villains. </span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjck6mkayjP4sY5b_hziEWelEm0T13SeuxondqxQfXZ4LbvefqIzeFibxsOBK5k9gESicOvuu4pNsCPAbg6xvS9h0JbtBnOGpGOuCA-6Kxe7kBRGX1QPYMn4-6J6g-WMnNw1KJ5GjQz/s1600/clay+davis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjck6mkayjP4sY5b_hziEWelEm0T13SeuxondqxQfXZ4LbvefqIzeFibxsOBK5k9gESicOvuu4pNsCPAbg6xvS9h0JbtBnOGpGOuCA-6Kxe7kBRGX1QPYMn4-6J6g-WMnNw1KJ5GjQz/s320/clay+davis.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'The guy from 30 Seconds to Mars? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-it'</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Even his laugh feels forced and weak, a sort of rictus 'Ack ack ack' more reminiscent of the aliens in Mars Attacks! than Mark Hamill's famously unsettling cackle. After Heath Ledger's hobo-suited psychotic who burns his money because he has simple taste in 'gunpowder and gasoline' and who carries nothing in his pockets 'but knives and lint', a flash suited nightclub impresario with blinged up monogrammed guns feels like nothing more than a harmless self-obsessed little boy. If anything Leto's Joker feels most reminiscent of a sort of toned down, less frightening version of Uday Hussain in The Devil's Double. If your character, who is defined as being an inhumanly insane force of nature, comes across instead as a diluted version of a real life monster then this suggests a serious lack of imagination on the part of the writers.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">All of this ends up weakening Harley Quinn as a character by proxy. One of Harley's defining characteristics has always been her unconditional love for The Joker despite his clearly abusive antics. When the Joker seems like a fascinatingly inexplicable whirlwind of behaviours then we can relate to how that could be strangely seductive, especially to a brilliant psychiatrist such as Dr Harleen Quinzell. To replace him with a petty, selfish gangster makes her seem less like a tragic figure drawn towards the darkness which is destroying her and more like a naive little girl who has made some really terrible life choices.</span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMmCJ58dOtjbAvKw1ykjI4mbvUKYH7Q8qRSpTd6xsml40_gATo4GVzUxgcLoExsjWNEJ5ifJZVCj7WetfNhtgrKd-5-WxWQEjdW6Elfcmy_wimFA7pPz-klWGrxQ1uAVe0gmGsBOAM/s1600/harley.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMmCJ58dOtjbAvKw1ykjI4mbvUKYH7Q8qRSpTd6xsml40_gATo4GVzUxgcLoExsjWNEJ5ifJZVCj7WetfNhtgrKd-5-WxWQEjdW6Elfcmy_wimFA7pPz-klWGrxQ1uAVe0gmGsBOAM/s320/harley.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Lower back tattoo at 14, pregnant by 16, alcoholic by 18</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">starring in 'The Canyons' at 30.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Even if you enjoy the way each of the characters are introduced at the start of the film there is barely anything more to enjoy as none of them get any development as the film continues. Almost all the runtime is split between Harley, Deadshot and El Diablo (Jay Hernandez). The way the film ignores more than half the team would be forgivable if it found interesting things for the primary three to do. After each of them gets a pre-credit expository intro, they are then shown in prison having their backstory briefed to lead soldier Rick Flagg (Joel Kinnaman), then while on the mission they each have a moment to reflect on their pasts as they continue their mission. Later on the characters bond in a bar by sharing their backstories with each other and then later are given a dream sequence where they imagine life if their backstories went differently. That's FIVE different versions of the same story. There is so many repeating flashbacks that you spend the whole film waiting for the <i>forward</i> story to start and then it's over almost instantly. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwml40kxlT_IJm30tDr98xSYExvopcJOAve_FCykZBymBbjTBS6tn9OsuH2oQ6DbN0vh6IUg9PnsNGofurf_SGKJEqsS1p6ALfEGfcTPydagQgx5YKJhIFljuQ0_m4REOhkqZD9upr/s1600/El-Diablo-Looking-Menacing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwml40kxlT_IJm30tDr98xSYExvopcJOAve_FCykZBymBbjTBS6tn9OsuH2oQ6DbN0vh6IUg9PnsNGofurf_SGKJEqsS1p6ALfEGfcTPydagQgx5YKJhIFljuQ0_m4REOhkqZD9upr/s320/El-Diablo-Looking-Menacing.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'I'm not ever going to burn things again'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">[burns some things]</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Can we go home now?</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Much like with Batman Vs Superman the constant desire to cut between different timelines and fantasies that it's hard to keep track of the actual present day events and, if stripped of all these extraneous cutaways, there isn't actually much of it (and what there is is painfully repetitive). Suicide Squad meet some monsters. Suicide Squad kill the monsters. Wash, rinse, repeat. To put it simply, there are four different scenes of helicopters making an entrance in this film. Every one of those helicopters crashes. Not one character is killed when this happens. Everything that happens seems to happen twice and never for any actual reason we would care about. The repetitiveness of it all isn't helped by the fact that the characters barely stand out from each other as they all talk in the same pseudo-badass fronting that you'd expect from 12 year olds acting tough, poor quality NPC's in a First Person Shooter game or a research scientist in the universe James Cameron's Avatar is set in.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidi2rBpgOsPZkPrGTca1I5yyOsz4S2PQNFZkwEhQLSjYPZxqwia9zANr_U8i3QCTHTNl4_pEANn8NR2m443EzTmRF5HK-Csk2jnvwGO1xwqdJSbzp_xX2Ky3DkgOwsP2lFJokxMeO-/s1600/Sigourney_Weaver+Avatar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidi2rBpgOsPZkPrGTca1I5yyOsz4S2PQNFZkwEhQLSjYPZxqwia9zANr_U8i3QCTHTNl4_pEANn8NR2m443EzTmRF5HK-Csk2jnvwGO1xwqdJSbzp_xX2Ky3DkgOwsP2lFJokxMeO-/s320/Sigourney_Weaver+Avatar.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'Come at me, bruh! Yer ass is grass! etc.'</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Speaking of their miraculous crash survival, for a film named Suicide Squad, you never really feel that anyone is ever at much of a risk. Despite his brutal reputation earned from films like Training Day, End of Watch and Fury, director David Ayer seems surprisingly shy about killing anyone from his central cast. The inaccurately named Suicide Squad seem to be least expendable team of apparently expendable soldiers since...well... The Expendables.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-zBnZRTE1NOVZeFbi78NB2H1J5wd8rOm0HFK4DRM7oPKUyzY7pSHHQSSTd4R3SmEEyuRzQB9bgL-QgtZq2nSt3k65koz4q0uRyCVKNkDrtALKzrsOm3hrV0RqXfhjZdpfcpcuaMD_/s1600/the-expendables-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-zBnZRTE1NOVZeFbi78NB2H1J5wd8rOm0HFK4DRM7oPKUyzY7pSHHQSSTd4R3SmEEyuRzQB9bgL-QgtZq2nSt3k65koz4q0uRyCVKNkDrtALKzrsOm3hrV0RqXfhjZdpfcpcuaMD_/s320/the-expendables-2.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The greatest threat these characters face is the inevitable onset of dementia</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ultimately Suicide Squad is a massive disappointment. From a concept which promised so much there is little to take from this film but a couple of briefly enjoyable sequences and some interesting, well cast but utterly wasted characters. While it's not as overlong, dull or morally questionable as the last two D.C. efforts, the fact that Suicide Squad fails to find more than a spark of inspiration from such a fun bag of tricks suggests a studio that really doesn't understand what people want from their films. I wish I could look forward to the upcoming Wonder Woman and Justice League movies but if Warner Bros struggle to make something enjoyable from a film centered on Batman villains then I genuinely worry how they plan to make a film starring Aquaman watchable.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In short I'm somewhat jealous of the confused cinema attendant who put up the below signage. He's clearly living in a more interesting world than the one the rest of us are in.</span></span><br />
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The Mogulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13280029392130296186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6519627295687432839.post-83948345991175310272016-07-15T09:08:00.000-07:002016-08-29T01:14:55.807-07:00NEW RELEASE: Gods Of Egypt<h3 style="text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Gods Of Egypt</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>(Director: Alex Proyas. Starring: Brenton Twaites, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Gerard Butler, Geoffrey Rush)</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Last year Ridley Scott released his biblical epic Exodus: Gods & Kings to much fanfare but also criticism over the film's decision to cast most of the lead roles with caucasian actors. The most obvious example being casting the Pharaoh of Egypt with Joel Edgerton, an actor from Australia, which is about as far from North African lineage as you can get. This seemed particularly egregious considering the proximity to the Oscars diversity row and larger conversation about Hollywood whitewashing.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ2RlGjxCcBD2XeOX03R8Juf6Ij__MKJzuxxtEBtIg9gtY9KPJnjoF9UKENLwMS2huM5JQ5d4oSW9Zfkba3i5DH3eGCMI4kQ3gI6Dx47DuTUl_D7JWNMuyV8bjMrG40uas8-VpeHo_/s1600/joseph-fiennes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ2RlGjxCcBD2XeOX03R8Juf6Ij__MKJzuxxtEBtIg9gtY9KPJnjoF9UKENLwMS2huM5JQ5d4oSW9Zfkba3i5DH3eGCMI4kQ3gI6Dx47DuTUl_D7JWNMuyV8bjMrG40uas8-VpeHo_/s200/joseph-fiennes.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Michael Jackson, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2016/jan/26/joseph-fiennes-michael-jackson-9-11-road-trip-sky-arts" target="_blank">apparently</a></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Now we have Alex Proyas' Gods Of Egypt which caused controversy as soon as the first posters released revealed the gods of the title to be played by the very Scottish Gerard Butler and the Danish Nikolaj Coster-Waldau which isn't the most obvious casting considering that both those countries are well known for their large population of Gingers, the closest thing we have in the real world to those albino vampires in Blade II. Then just to make sure they stuffed two famous Australians in there too (in the form of FX's Bryan Brown and a surprisingly unembarrassed Geoffrey Rush).</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZnvfyWfloenaPgVcg0Zeokmi6afAESDVHme94vexGptS2D2vKtnJg8l7JuGQ_joNgucCI8slOV3_YqwndsV-xG-SB4U50et5MKjH-06d4g00SY-XYdC9iiugojryraoiCW78MIxKA/s1600/bryan+brown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="206" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZnvfyWfloenaPgVcg0Zeokmi6afAESDVHme94vexGptS2D2vKtnJg8l7JuGQ_joNgucCI8slOV3_YqwndsV-xG-SB4U50et5MKjH-06d4g00SY-XYdC9iiugojryraoiCW78MIxKA/s320/bryan+brown.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Although the most shocking part is just finding out that Bryan Brown is alive and working</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">However the plot doesn't begin with the characters played by any of these actors but with a young </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">thief called Bek played by Brenton Twaites. Bek (who is first introduced in the kind of cliched 'old man looking back at his glory years' voiceover guaranteed to make you roll your eyes at the character before he even appears on screen) is a human peasant filling in the Aladdin-esque role of loveable rogue caught up in the battle between supernatural forces of good and evil. Well, at least he is supposed to, but lacks both lovability <i>and</i> roguishness and instead looks like an Abercrombie & Fitch model with no acting experience who has bumbled onto the wrong set. He looks about as Egyptian as the Sydney Opera House and has the on-screen charm and charisma of the remains of a digestive biscuit found in the back pocket of a pair of jeans you just took out the washing machine. In short, he comes across exactly like you'd expect of someone with the name Brenton Twaites.</span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVHlYhMWS2z_MFFBs5OFwgVqm8MX54QFHWfjczQIC1NTIYiu4Ssr7vvSX5c05B8Le70qyzRFaNx5a16C9S6IVbl-HcrGzk6B9tg984dOe7CyUGXdSzA5od_UFc0o2wPnV56GTXNdEq/s1600/bullingdon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVHlYhMWS2z_MFFBs5OFwgVqm8MX54QFHWfjczQIC1NTIYiu4Ssr7vvSX5c05B8Le70qyzRFaNx5a16C9S6IVbl-HcrGzk6B9tg984dOe7CyUGXdSzA5od_UFc0o2wPnV56GTXNdEq/s320/bullingdon.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One of these arseholes surely MUST be called 'Brenton.'</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">His plot revolves around his love for Zaya, an equally unrealistically photogenic slave played by Courtney Eaton (oddly being now the 4th Australian in the lead cast). Zaya is introduced as having pretty much zero characterisation beyond her inexplicable adoration of the god Horus, her even more inexplicable love for Bek and her collection of extremely low cut dresses. She has almost the same screen presence as a shadow of a chair. Eaton appears to have been cast in this film for only two reasons but shortly after being introduced she takes an arrow through the left one and into her heart leading to Bek having to devise a plan to retrieve her from the afterlife.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTUqoe1-Q7GGuxooBK-E3VlRSpT6yoN45B_krdUs80CZCbi0veM2lQFg5Iq840IzpZd-JBXWyBNBaCmei_ZPG9bC9BD-lEDwArREB7nz3GcM1K9YnwqC6cDzAY2SSWc4o-dHWsiOER/s1600/gods2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTUqoe1-Q7GGuxooBK-E3VlRSpT6yoN45B_krdUs80CZCbi0veM2lQFg5Iq840IzpZd-JBXWyBNBaCmei_ZPG9bC9BD-lEDwArREB7nz3GcM1K9YnwqC6cDzAY2SSWc4o-dHWsiOER/s320/gods2.jpg" width="289" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Yes, that was a boob joke. I'm sorry.<br />Seriously though, these people can't act.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Meanwhile, the Gods have problems of their own. Osiris, the king of Egypt, has decided that it is time to pass on his throne to his son Horus (it's not entirely clear why though as the gods appear to be immortal and therefore ageless so it's not like he's just received his bus pass or anything.) Horus is introduced waking from a bad hangover amongst a harem of beautiful but confusingly tiny human women. You see in this film the gods appear exactly the same as humans apart from that they are considerably larger. Proyas uses some effective CGI to make Nikolaj Coster-Waldau appear much taller than the actors alongside him. However due to the rather flat framing choices this effect is less reminiscent of ancient murals of deities looming over their subjects than it is of those really awkward film posters created when none of the actors were available at the same time and the person photoshopping them in doesn't seem to understand how perspective or physical space works.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTtnOHKKID2LbKBsbNu9wuGqZHoprVIFBOJw7-rm0qpRat_4tHAG5pccwS7g9U0vNy7PDWqAUR7ayej7EPo2emkfR036Uo_3yHwBmEB8-GR40KmdqFz6sIXs0si-Zo7-1cJrJIQmyv/s1600/bad+poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTtnOHKKID2LbKBsbNu9wuGqZHoprVIFBOJw7-rm0qpRat_4tHAG5pccwS7g9U0vNy7PDWqAUR7ayej7EPo2emkfR036Uo_3yHwBmEB8-GR40KmdqFz6sIXs0si-Zo7-1cJrJIQmyv/s320/bad+poster.jpg" width="241" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What the hell is going on here?</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">T</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">he coronation ceremony is interrupted by the late arrival of Osiris' brother Set who is shouted and flailed around ('played' being too subtle a word) by Gerard Butler. At first everyone is pleased to see their long absent relative despite the fact that he wouldn't be any more clearly villainous if his name was Backstab O'Betrayerson and a demonic imp followed him around with a ghetto blaster blaring <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVid_fLzN5g" target="_blank">Diamond Head's 'Am I Evil?'</a> wherever he goes. In the least shocking plot twist ever Set stabs Osiris and crowns himself the new king of Egypt. When Horus opposes him, Set fights him one on one, steals his eyes (apparently the gods can be taken apart and put together just like Lego models) and eventually his girlfriend (apparently the female characters in this film are merely objects to be bargained and/or rewarded to powerful men/gods rather than, you know, human beings with arcs of their own.) Shortly after assuming power Set decides to enslave the humans to build a ludicrously giant obelisk in honour of himself for reasons that the scriptwriters never really explain (although I'm sure <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phallus" target="_blank">Sigmund Freud</a> would have a few ideas why). He also decides that from this point on the dead will only be allowed safely into the afterlife based on their level of worldly possessions. Again, there is no obvious reason why Set, or his kingdom of Egypt, benefits at all from this ruling so it seems that he has decided to completely fuck over the poor and desperate for absolutely no gain or reason other than the simple joy of being cruel.</span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf7aK7aViLxgjNc3Urvv1UhXkP2e6VqSVSnCNjGIFHF1CA2wUPURgiQ2IQN0UKHewgR5p_Iiv8yeFxo8_5W5n-Q0_eR7Rnj8N2TEKtqtCYc0tQj060ISftGzh0x4fobzb-g37yXlcP/s1600/bullingdon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf7aK7aViLxgjNc3Urvv1UhXkP2e6VqSVSnCNjGIFHF1CA2wUPURgiQ2IQN0UKHewgR5p_Iiv8yeFxo8_5W5n-Q0_eR7Rnj8N2TEKtqtCYc0tQj060ISftGzh0x4fobzb-g37yXlcP/s320/bullingdon.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This picture just spontaneously reposted itself for some reason.<br />*cough*</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And so, after all this set up and exposition we finally get to the main plot. Our 'hero' Bek must now find the now blind and depressed Horus, help him to regain his eyes and then his kingdom, defeating Set and freeing his deceased love from a fate beyond death. </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The main thrust of the movie now comes from Horus as he learns to be humble and decent as he goes to war against Set and his legions of evil.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivr5Z46Sja83KSuTT7AleBefVvohjAMkhPW_ziTlImgtn9kPlGlbWN4eyv2rGQGKE3P64DRqUonhV_-2YjM9DhrSGcGUrNCk1rrXinqcKIlizntxHUBG1lXyddQKo5CaF_rpAzsxeD/s1600/jamie+hand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivr5Z46Sja83KSuTT7AleBefVvohjAMkhPW_ziTlImgtn9kPlGlbWN4eyv2rGQGKE3P64DRqUonhV_-2YjM9DhrSGcGUrNCk1rrXinqcKIlizntxHUBG1lXyddQKo5CaF_rpAzsxeD/s320/jamie+hand.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm not sure where they could've got the idea for Coster-Waldau playing a cocky, privileged <br />asshole forced to become a better person after losing his most celebrated body part</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Unfortunately much of the runtime is instead spent on various dull side quests as Bek first must find Horus' eyes, then some sacred water which weakens Set's powers and then recruit allies to help fight alongside them. Apparently all the gods are now at war with Set's forces and losing fast with many of them killed or tempted to his side in the process (why they didn't all just rush him during his fight with Horus at the start is, like so many questions I had during this film, never explained). One of the Gods approached as a potential ally is Thoth, the god of knowledge who is played by Chadwick Boseman. Boseman recently impressed me in Captain America: Civil War where he played the hero Black Panther with charisma and a strong sense of dignity and intelligence. Here he has instead decided to play the wisest of the gods by Speaking. In. Pauses. Like. He's. William. Fucking. Shatner. It's as odd as it sounds but at least it does give him some distinct character (something painfully lacking in this film) and the scenes that he is in are probably the most entertaining ones in the film. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Overall the film is a massive mess of weird mythology, hastily abandoned subplots and simply perplexing choices. (I haven't even mentioned the fact that the Gods can turn into giant badly rendered CGI robot animals which they sometimes, but perplexingly don't always, use to fight each other) By the end of the film I was left with so many confusing questions that I barely knew where to start (why is Set's architect now also his high priest? Does Geoffrey Rush have a bathroom on his magic space boat? Were all these costumes bought second hand from a Christmas pantomime?)</span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC-aJg3rO2vfN2nyWQB7mNLnRGVL2sGEBl-DgwuBEOOSbQKZ92ckS5pRFOBJWy8wbSfuQR1qz8KM3l_IZcxFBlvM7Yz_ZoGkfNoijxvttdBFFvuGZtB3n7ZeysW_aREcB34jLAM_MU/s1600/Costume-Designer_GOE.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjC-aJg3rO2vfN2nyWQB7mNLnRGVL2sGEBl-DgwuBEOOSbQKZ92ckS5pRFOBJWy8wbSfuQR1qz8KM3l_IZcxFBlvM7Yz_ZoGkfNoijxvttdBFFvuGZtB3n7ZeysW_aREcB34jLAM_MU/s320/Costume-Designer_GOE.jpg" width="239" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Oh no they weren't...<br />OH YES THEY WERE!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I</span>n many ways it reminded me of the equally batshit insane Jupiter Ascending which was one of my guilty pleasures from last year. Unfortunately although I can admire the sheer ambition that went into Gods of Egypt and the range of high concept ideas that have been crammed into it's runtime I couldn't help but be bored more often than entertained by it. Where a film like Jupiter Ascending threw itself fully into scenery chewing camp ridiculousness and give us loads of meme-worthy nonsense to play with (Eddie Redmayne's whisper shouting; Sean Bean playing a Bee? <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTBkqodlnEw" target="_blank">Mila Kunis FUCKS DOGS?!</a>) Gods Of Egypt still tries to take itself too seriously and it's attempts at charm and humour fall awkwardly flat.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcKHryHH2fYI-GaeEWznZDnIUmnh9M0Ixx4GiBEcnukCtEjrtKe0luhnO8KLhJSK-QiLtgxAn8Fh69vOslYBo1G1iJULC-O_jtpe8S10SCaqAvUl7Jr_IcRCk8fi9n0veOJ79o0zhV/s1600/horus+wings.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcKHryHH2fYI-GaeEWznZDnIUmnh9M0Ixx4GiBEcnukCtEjrtKe0luhnO8KLhJSK-QiLtgxAn8Fh69vOslYBo1G1iJULC-O_jtpe8S10SCaqAvUl7Jr_IcRCk8fi9n0veOJ79o0zhV/s320/horus+wings.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Although the cast trying to portray serious drama while <br />looking like this is pretty funny, I'll admit</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Overall the film ends up a convoluted mess of every single weird thought that seemed to run through director Alex Proyas' head. </span>I'd suggest that the film should maybe have hewn closer to the original mythology of ancient Egypt, but it is somehow even more insane as Horus apparently originally bested Set by <a href="http://www.michiganquarterlyreview.com/2015/05/lettuce-and-kings-the-power-struggle-between-horus-and-set-2/" target="_blank">wanking on his salad</a>. (Much like last years '50 Shades of Grey,' this may be one of the few instances where the inevitable porn parody is actually both more accurate to the source material than the film it is spoofing and probably as accomplished in plotting and dialogue.)</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsZiryhRVA9Nf9b3chNHr6OSpYZEPdn2v7t32OvPdNN_2T_OugFJvAnY2DzuWZTY2Bt1MUBXy3HOsS40gh2NngQvCIPcgf-JUHHqO2e28Mjw-_HMWwT9kvu8ms8g8m35kxLDX5UnCv/s1600/50+shades+Tea.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsZiryhRVA9Nf9b3chNHr6OSpYZEPdn2v7t32OvPdNN_2T_OugFJvAnY2DzuWZTY2Bt1MUBXy3HOsS40gh2NngQvCIPcgf-JUHHqO2e28Mjw-_HMWwT9kvu8ms8g8m35kxLDX5UnCv/s320/50+shades+Tea.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Remember kids, THIS was an international bestseller</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Proyas is far from the most prolific of directors and after the strength of his 90s one-two punch of The Crow and Dark City many film fans wait for his returns to big budget filmmaking with the anticipation of the Second Coming of Christ. Sadly after sitting through the cringe inducing dialogue and endless dull action of Gods of Egypt I can't help but feel that faith in Alex Proyas as some sort of lost great visionary maybe will be lost in time much like the faith in the very gods this film is named after.</span><br />
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The Mogulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13280029392130296186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6519627295687432839.post-68193804770863259132016-06-08T15:43:00.004-07:002016-06-09T10:02:22.195-07:00NEW RELEASES: Alice Through The Looking Glass & The Nice Guys<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Alice Through The Looking Glass</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>(Director: James Bobin. Starring: Mia Wasikowska, Johnny Depp, Sacha Baron Cohen, Helena Bonham Carter)</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tim Burton's 2010 adaption of Alice In Wonderland was a surprise hit. It made over $1 billion at the box office becoming the fifth highest grossing film of all time. This puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on James Bobin, the director of it's belated sequel 'Alice Through The Looking Glass' to match people's high expectations of his films potential. He doesn't have to worry about me though. I have no expectations. I fucking hated Alice In Wonderland.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk4BhPwuXiUDbUA2Bc34tZytvd3JfLZIoBrYqqYY_GxRN_eUlhAkPDExj-tPtOcODo0QiK7CSkD-iUMDa3QcYYfSe4s2cXBxIB7aARhph11YFg4JacfcwgcPfCVBOrT_SgIQ-6cSnO/s1600/AliceShocked.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk4BhPwuXiUDbUA2Bc34tZytvd3JfLZIoBrYqqYY_GxRN_eUlhAkPDExj-tPtOcODo0QiK7CSkD-iUMDa3QcYYfSe4s2cXBxIB7aARhph11YFg4JacfcwgcPfCVBOrT_SgIQ-6cSnO/s200/AliceShocked.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Nothing to do with Lewis Carroll of course. I hated the incoherent plotting of Burton's film. I hated it's garish overuse of CGI. I hated it's bizarre tonal shifts between overly twee and suddenly bleak rewordings of the story. Most of all I hated Johnny Depp's overly mannered, irritating, unlikeable version of the Mad Hatter which I'd taken as the absolute proof that Depp had finally given up on any sort of believable acting to focus on clowning around in various ridiculous costumes. (As one of my henchmen so beautifully put it, he's less of an actor now than an elaborate hatstand.) Shortly after watching it for the first time I joked that the previously talented Mr Burton, Mr Depp, Ms Bonham-Carter and Mr Elfman should be legally required to stay away each other on film sets in order to foster their talents in a less self-satisfied, chummy environment (of course, in 2016, Burton and Bonham-Carter's relationship has sadly ended off set instead and it's quite plausible for Depp to be court ordered to keep certain distance from someone so that comment really isn't very funny any more)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Alice Through The Looking Glass begins with a scene of (the titular) Alice commanding a ship as it sails through Chinese seas, battered by a storm and pursued by pirates (this film apparently has decided to continue that bizarre subplot from the first, suggesting that Alice might now be an international drug-trader partially responsible for the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Opium_War" target="_blank">First Opium War</a>). Alice, of course, escapes but only through some ludicrously implausible sailing manoeuvres. I understand that this scene is intended to show Alice's strength of will and how great a sacrifice it would be for her to risk losing her ship but it kinda ruins the films tone from the very beginning. I always feel that a good fantasy film, unless entirely set within a fantasy world, has to first establish the drudging mundanity of normal life to act as a contrast to the magic. If Alice is already living in a rip-roaring cartoonish 'Pirates of the Carribean'-esque world then Wonderland itself will surely pale in comparison.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Of course, the adventures in the real world don't last long as Alice's current employer (and former suitor) Hamish has dastardly plans to force Alice to settle down into a boring life on land as revenge for rejecting him. (Keeping up the cartoonish tone, Hamish is such a ridiculous caricature of pompous assholery that I'd be surprised if every second line in his scenes doesn't actually state [Hamish snorts in derision.])</span>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: '"helvetica neue"', '"arial"', '"helvetica"', sans-serif;">Wait a minute... does anyone else think he looks <br />a bit like David Cameron?</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So Alice escapes to Wonderland (or 'Underland' as this film prefers to call it) after being guided there by Absolem the butterfly, played by the late, great Alan (Fucking) Rickman. Rickman's involvement was one of the most appealing factors in convincing me to watch this film and it's always a pleasure to hear his sonorous tones again on film. However his role in this film is barely more than one brief scene to drop some necessary exposition so those hoping to see him sneer at someone with glorious contempt would be better served by last months 'Eye In The Sky' which is both a better Rickman performance and better film in general)</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In fact this film returns the excellent support cast of the first film (including Michael Sheen, Timothy Spall, Stephen Fry, Matt Lucas, Barbara Windsor and Paul Whitehouse) to only have them appear all at once to do nothing more than pine over the absent Hatter. (I doubt so many talented voices have ever been assembled to do so little)<br /><br />The Hatter, it seems, has gone the bad sort of mad. A hollow husk of his former self he is filled with despair and fits between catatonia and sudden worrying mood swings.</span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBKOJhdFLdm7Nqwtz_p13AIcFxJ9Cv8IxNEQnXVrEdR7J-Ei-3z3Sq-FZ1UGVNq_V1iRhYnL3yBm5vYzx4cBs9i4gSQ35uEcgMJMppRxIZMyBM5UdPaolVcQY81sj-dp1iKH2szNQd/s1600/johny-amber-apology.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBKOJhdFLdm7Nqwtz_p13AIcFxJ9Cv8IxNEQnXVrEdR7J-Ei-3z3Sq-FZ1UGVNq_V1iRhYnL3yBm5vYzx4cBs9i4gSQ35uEcgMJMppRxIZMyBM5UdPaolVcQY81sj-dp1iKH2szNQd/s320/johny-amber-apology.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Posted without comment</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It seems the only thing that can save him is for Alice to travel back in time and try to save his family from the fate which haunts him. (Bizarrely the Hatter's father in all these scenes is played by Rhys Ifans, a man four years <i>younger</i> than his onscreen son, Depp)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And this is where our films new villain comes in. Time, played by Sacha Baron Cohen is waiting in the wings, speaking of senseless things. His trick is you and me, readers!</span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Thankfully, he neither flexes like a whore, nor falls <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b06x7egW6jc" target="_blank">wanking to the floor.</a></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sascha Baron Cohen is arguably the films MVP giving a ridiculously OTT performance as the lord of time itself. He is by turn buffonish, threatening and ultimately sympathetic. He has an oddly fascinating accent which veers wildly from the pretentious French one he used in Hugo to his usual rough English brogue but (most entertainingly) for the most part it sounds like he's doing a solid impression of the hilariously nihilistic film director Werner Herzog. Seriously, I am always happy to see some trace of Werner Herzog in my family-friendly fantasy movies.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Civilisation is like a thin layer of ice upon a deep ocean of </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">chaos and darkness. Bibbity Bobbity Boo!.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In fact the villains are the strongest part of this film overall. Helena Bonham Carter returns as the cruel, childish Red Queen and once again it is joy to watch her sadistic guffaw every time one of film's annoying protagonists gets hurt. (Even if her performances still feels heavily indebted to Miranda Richardson's brilliant turn on </span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpvVzCeaXS8" style="font-family: 'helvetica neue', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">Blackadder II</a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">)</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The first film's other villain gets a slight nod as well as a skeleton wearing the costume of the Knave of Hearts is seen in one scene suggesting that Crispin Glover maybe once again fell out with film makers between a popular film and it's sequel. (Although this time they thankfully didn't just hang him <a href="http://www.cinemablend.com/new/Crispin-Glover-Still-Angry-About-Back-Future-Read-His-Angry-Words-Here-74577.html" target="_blank">upside down in room of fax machines.</a>)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The time travel plot does give the film a new sense of freshness and interest but sadly most of the films runtime is used on either scenes featuring the Hatter's infuriating shtick or a sub-plot intent on humanising the Red Queen. The latter feels a particular waste since this can only take away from the enjoyment found watching her glorious terribleness and also because it means we spend more time with Anne Hathaway waving her right arm around in circles for no goddamn reason.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The film also suffers from some of the same tonal shifts as it's predecessor (we jump quite suddenly from scenes of the Red Queen humorously struggling to fit a crown over her enlarged head to scenes of her burning a whole village alive in vengeance). </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I had hoped that James Bobin would bring some of the charm that he did to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FArZxLj6DLk" target="_blank">Flight of the Conchords</a> or the recent Muppet movies (or at least give us a song by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDnTo2S2BrA" target="_blank">Bret McKenzie</a>) but his style seems lost in the mix.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The central message of this film seems to be that the past cannot be altered but can be learned from. This seems a fitting description of the film itself. James Bobin has certainly made a film which is more focussed and coherent than the previous Alice In Wonderland, but ultimately, it cannot escape from the mistakes made in that film to really become something I could recommend as worth giving up a couple of hours of your time.</span></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Nice Guys</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>(Director: Shane Black. Starring: Ryan Gosling, Russell Crowe, Angourie Rice, Kim Basinger)</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have to say that, when first asked, the idea of going to see a film called 'The Nice Guys' did not appeal to me. From my time spent having conversations online I have soon learned that most men who refer to themselves as 'Nice Guys' often tend to be emotionally unstable, reactionary manchilden who throw tantrums if they aren't instantly rewarded every time they manage to act like functional adults and, worst of all, tend to think that it's acceptable to wear a brightly coloured trilbies along with their cargo shorts and stained Kid Rock t-shirts thus damning the world of pretentious hat-wearing by association.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKhyphenhyphensk8XWSdt2eY6q0KiovAHkn77KbAf65RcY6rQrHqMAQIQvIIq994PfW2ccR_Jmv-tMJ2InKEqZBycVKKTxKK3tD8uA7Dvc363NelevxEqtSzewkVmI3xDrfB83XTC6E33V1mg18/s1600/draper+hat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKhyphenhyphensk8XWSdt2eY6q0KiovAHkn77KbAf65RcY6rQrHqMAQIQvIIq994PfW2ccR_Jmv-tMJ2InKEqZBycVKKTxKK3tD8uA7Dvc363NelevxEqtSzewkVmI3xDrfB83XTC6E33V1mg18/s320/draper+hat.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Real men know a good hat should <b>always</b> be accompanied by a </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">matching suit and a large glass of single malt scotch.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Thankfully the title appears to be more ironic as the two leads are both self confessed assholes struggling to find some sort of integrity as they are forced into doing something good for once. Also the film features the worlds favourite <a href="http://feministryangosling.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">feminist sex puppy</a> Ryan Gosling, so that should avoid any confusion. It also features <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/womens-blog/2015/jan/05/russell-crowe-women-time-to-act-your-age" target="_blank">Russell Crowe</a>, but...er... hey, Ryan Gosling!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Nice Guys has mainly been promoting itself as a buddy movie between these two stars. However the truly interesting partnership on show here is that of producer Joel Silver and writer/director Shane Black who jointly brought us Lethal Weapon 1 & 2, The Last Boy Scout and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. In fact coming off of the mixed reactions to Iron Man 3 it's good to see Shane Black returning to what feels more like home turf. In fact, The Nice Guys almost feels like a Shane Black greatest hits package since it features all of his favourite tropes from the mismatched leads working a case together, a kidnapping plot which reveals a larger conspiracy, a precocious child character, the film industry itself being used as a setting, snappy, sarcastic voiceovers and even a brief scene set during Christmastime.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The film may have been advertised as a two hander from the two gentlemen on the poster but the central relationship of the film is the awkward three-way friendship which forms between Jackson Healy (Crowe), Holland March (Gosling) and March's young daughter played with wit and charm by newcomer actress Angourie Rice.</span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd-n3XtOfkqzyPHAGtgMgcVsUN_4fnru-apBNaUVR1aOyME7zPukQwWIpKmHND6VxFKj2vXb7n8ZOgxqvJSpsLdRjCgZU_pzrzoXP3IfHPovAtHvtMfPhczim-lsqN4UG0AcsSZ65Y/s1600/quinoa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd-n3XtOfkqzyPHAGtgMgcVsUN_4fnru-apBNaUVR1aOyME7zPukQwWIpKmHND6VxFKj2vXb7n8ZOgxqvJSpsLdRjCgZU_pzrzoXP3IfHPovAtHvtMfPhczim-lsqN4UG0AcsSZ65Y/s200/quinoa.jpg" width="199" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Even if she has a name which sounds like an </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ingredient from a hipster, vegan quinoa pot.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The film is set in 1977 Los Angeles (I knew I was going to enjoy this as soon as the films title appeared in neon font to a soundtrack of slap bass and wah-wah guitars). Ryan Gosling plays a corrupt, bumbling Private Investigator who is investigating the apparent sighting of a recently deceased pornstar. One of his leads in the investigation doesn't want found however so hires Russell Crowe's brutish enforcer to convince him to stay away. Of course someone else is searching for the girl for more nefarious reasons and soon our two leads are forced to join up in order to try and save her and work out what the hell they've been dragged into.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">With it's neo-noir genre trappings and dark sense of humour, this film almost works as a sort of sister film to Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and it will certainly appeal to fans of that film. There are nods to L.A. Confidential too from the sleazy Hollywood setting and grim conspiracies (not to mention the fact that both films feature Crowe as well as Kim Basinger). There's more than a little Boogie Nights too to the film's debauched 70s detail.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The film is a riot throughout. It's exciting, witty and genuinely laugh out loud funny at times. Ryan Gosling reveals himself to be a gifted physical comedian and Russell Crowe gets his best role in years as the heavy with a hidden kindness. They are also complimented by a solid support cast featuring the previously mentioned Kim Basinger in blunt and icy mode, an unnerving Matt Bomer and the always enjoyable Keith David (who recently leant his wry gravitas to the otherwise disappointing final season of Community.)</span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLQk9QYV4bCM4NZH2q9QWhyphenhyphenduWOJY0OaHe8hIdlBADNi1Y96sqpS97EDxQmSG8_NhJ1rCJvmbrgHPDBt2cA7SaPotbb5aklxF1HFe2AUA6Y_w0lZNETIu-Yy70mrQZhD9UseUf5ULU/s1600/community.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLQk9QYV4bCM4NZH2q9QWhyphenhyphenduWOJY0OaHe8hIdlBADNi1Y96sqpS97EDxQmSG8_NhJ1rCJvmbrgHPDBt2cA7SaPotbb5aklxF1HFe2AUA6Y_w0lZNETIu-Yy70mrQZhD9UseUf5ULU/s320/community.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">6 Seasons & a Movie? I'd prefer 3 Seasons and consistent quality.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I don't want to say anything more about this film to avoid spoiling any of the jokes or clever plotting but I will wholeheartedly recommend it. Go see The Nice Guys. It's the most entertaining film out right now and, despite the old saying, it deserves to finish first.</span></div>
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The Mogulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13280029392130296186noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6519627295687432839.post-10101517716193802302016-06-05T13:53:00.000-07:002016-06-09T10:07:37.581-07:00NEW RELEASES: Money Monster & Warcraft: The Beginning<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Money Monster</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Money Monster, the new movie by Jodie Foster is built around the titular fictional television show which purports to be a financial programme offering insights into the stock market but seems to mainly consist of George Clooney dancing around in silly costumes with a pair of showgirls and playing clips from old movies. I'd suggest that this is a ridiculous satire but having watched what gets passed off a 'news' in the USA this show seems oddly plausible. One such airing of this show is interrupted when a young delivery man (played by Jack O'Connell) storms onto the set armed with a gun and an explosive vest and demanding for the show to continue until he gets answers to why his recent investment failed. Meanwhile the shows director (Julia Roberts) remains stranded in the studio gallery trying to maintain some control of the insane circus she is now being forced to direct.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Foster has some previous experience with stories involving a woman trying to <br />maintain control of a situation where a dangerous man is separated from her by glass.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Money Monster's greatest selling point is it's A-List cast. George Clooney, in an echo of his Oscar nominated turn in Up In The Air plays a self-righteous corporate blowhard who is forced to question his whole outlook on life over the course of the film. His ability to play smarmy arrogance is put to great use in the early sections of the film but his turn towards empathy and integrity by the end feels a little bit forced and unlikely. Jack O'Connell (an actor who was so good in 2013's Starred Up that it helped me forgot that the awful 300: Rise of an Empire existed) brings a natural intensity to the role of the put-upon everyman on a desperate bid for retribution. However the best performance in the film goes to Julia Roberts who, much like in her recent roles in August: Osage County and the Secret In Their Eyes remake, plays a strong woman powering through a troubled situation with quiet grit and determination (also like both those films, the performance feels like it deserves to be in a stronger movie overall.)</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm not sure how her performance in Mother's Day ranks as I'd<br />rather set myself on fire than pay to see it.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Jodie Foster does a solid job of keeping the film moving at a steady pace. There is enough tension and mystery to keep you entertained throughout and there is a surprising number of genuinely funny moments dotted throughout the runtime (an ill-advised attempt to get someone to talk O'Connell down is an unexpectedly harsh highlight.) Where the film lacks bite however is in it's attempts at satire which, whether the target is the financial system or the media, has been done better before (Julia Robert's attempts to keep the televised hostage drama looking professional have a slight air of Sidney Lumet's 'Network' about them for one.) The plot pivots around the idea that a major financial business could just lose $800m overnight and get away with blaming it on nothing more than a computer glitch without any further investigation by regulatory bodies or the media. Even considering the ridiculous wheeler-dealing that major banks get away with, this seem rather ludicrous and makes it impossible to see the film as relevant to any real-life scenario. Also a rather silly third act relies on Clooney's previously unscrupulous lead suddenly becoming protective of the man who has been threatening his life for the previous hour and puts finding him the answers he wants above his own safety.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Still despite this, Foster manages to keep the plot speeding forward throughout the film's well paced 90mins (not enough films these days keep the runtime down to such a sharp succinct level) and the there's enough tension and dark humour to keep things fun.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So ultimately the question is whether giving Money Monster your time would be a good investment? Well that depends on your circumstances. If you are already planning to go to the cinema and are looking for a film which will keep you entertained for 90mins then Money Monster is a solid low-risk choice. However if you seek an intelligent and angry satire of the recent economic situation then you'd be better served by either the Oscar Nominated 'The Big Short' or the less known but subtly biting 'Margin Call.' And if you seek a film that will give you a perfect mix of thrills, laughs, tragedy and dark satire of </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">the</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> way a violent confrontation can quickly turn into a media spectacle, well then the smart money would instead go on Sidney Lumet's 1975 classic 'Dog Day Afternoon.'</span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Warcraft: The Beginning</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien was first published in 1954 and sent shockwaves around the whole genre of fantasy writing inspiring thousands of books, comics, films and games to start filling their universes with Elves, Dwarves and Orcs. In 1983, inspired by Tolkein's works, Games Workshop created the world of Warhammer for their tabletop games which pitted armies of these beings against each other. In the 90s, the computer game company Blizzard attempted to buy the rights to Warhammer as a basis for a Real Time Strategy game. This plan fell through but instead inspired the creative minds at Blizzard to come up with their own universe which reworked those influences into their own unique brand. The first Warcraft game was released in 1994. World of Warcraft, released in 2004, adapted the story of the strategy game into a large open-world MMORG becoming a global phenomenon which inspired a series of novels expanding the mythology of the game. Now we have the new film which is directly based upon storylines taken from those novels.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">This means that director Duncan Jones has been challenged to the unenviable task of adapting a film from a spin-off of an adaption of a knock-off of a tribute while still trying to inject it with enough original spirit to stand on it's own. Not an easy task.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Warcraft begins in Draenor, the homeworld of the orcs, which is beginning to die off. In order to survive the orcs band together under the leadership of a sinister shaman called Gul'dan to build a portal with which the orcs can use to escape to the more hospitable world of Azeroth. Unfortunately the magic used to power the portal requires death to work so a small army of orcs make the first journey in order to find live victims to bring back to charge the portal so that the rest of the orc 'Horde' can join them in their new world. Meanwhile the humans who rule over Azeroth prepare themselves to fight back this invasion.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As a citizen of Glasgow, I'm used to being overrun by a terrifying green Horde</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To describe the plot further would be a bad idea as it involves multiple characters over many locations being drawn into this central conflict and it would take the entire length of this review to cover it all so I will jump straight to my feelings about the film. Now there are two ways that this film can be approached. Either it can be treated as nothing more than a multi-million dollar piece of fanservice for the 12 million people who have subscribed to play World of Warcraft online or it can be treated as a standalone film in it's own right unbeholden to any larger mythology. As someone who has never played a single second of any of the Warcraft series, I will have to approach this review from the latter viewpoint. Unfortunately this is where it begins to fall apart.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">The sheer scale of the film's mythology (or 'lore' as I've been advised to call it) is both it's greatest strength and the burden which ultimately ruins it. Apparently one of Duncan Jones' major contributions to the script was the idea that the orcs would be treated as equal leads to the humans rather than simply as rote villains. He was successful in this effort but maybe too successful as the lead orc characters end up being so much more interesting and engaging than the fairly generic and underwritten human protagonists that you spend all the human scenes wanting to get back to them. </span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This guy looks like he'd be more at home getting stoned in an alley behind<br /> a video rental store in a 90s comedy than casting spells to save the world</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There are so many characters and plot points to cover during the film's 123m runtime that none of them feel like they have been given the time required to properly serve them. So we end up with a film which simultaneously feels both too long and too short. When major characters are killed we feel nothing as we have not been given any reason to connect with them enough to feel the loss and the film moves onto the next set piece before we've had a chance to really see the effect these deaths have on the other characters. Similarly, one big twist (involving a character being revealed to be possessed by evil) is both obviously predictable and very confusing as we are given no explanation how or when this happened or how much of their behaviour in the film was their real self and how much was the actions of the demonic spirit within them. The film is also inconsistent tonally and can't seem to decide whether to embrace the campy fun ridiculous elements of the setting fully or whether to aim for the more self-serious and tragic vibe found in, say, the Lord of the Rings movies or Game of Thrones. Instead we end up in an awkward middle ground which is too silly to take seriously but too dry give us the barnstorming cartoon adventure that it has the potential to be. (It doesn't help that Ramin Djawdi's score is often very similar to his own '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9szldJEzD5U" target="_blank">Baratheon theme</a>' from the far darker world of Game of Thrones) It also doesn't help that many of the lead roles seem oddly miscast. Glenn Close even appears for a cameo which is both even shorter and stranger (although less enjoyable) than her surprise appearance in Guardians of the Galaxy (a film which knew how to turn a ludicrous plot filled with bizarre characters into something very entertaining). Oddly, both Dominic Cooper and Ruth Negga from the TV adaption of Preacher appear in roles which do not require their natural charisma and which only succeed in reminding you how much more fun this film could be if it also featured a drunken Irish vampire.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Arseface?</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the end, the film succeeds in creating a fascinating world that is enjoyable to spend time in but lacking in a human connection to give it any emotional power. Considering that Duncan Jones managed to make you laugh, cry and sweat in his debut movie 'Moon' (a film featuring only Sam Rockwell stuck in a room with a talking emoji played by Kevin Spacey) it's a shame to see him struggle to make the epic scale of the Warcraft universe as compelling. Ultimately, watching Warcraft the movie is as personally engaging as watching someone else playing a game of World of Warcraft. It can make for an intriguing watch but you can't help but feel that your time would be better spent just playing it yourself. </span></div>
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The Mogulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13280029392130296186noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6519627295687432839.post-22177075171799710102016-05-27T14:12:00.001-07:002016-06-03T10:35:47.707-07:00NEW RELEASES: X-Men - Apocalypse<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">X-Men: Apocalypse</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>(Director: Bryan Singer. Starring: </i><i> James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence, Oscar Isaac</i><i>)</i></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggKmzb4E79sKJMYjowO5HHAL52GLVSe3UPOGaZ48ijkEqaGQDl4pFO_N4gHjxABVBcvMQCkgUXZhuNnKG_AxzGllJJg39r_JbV52ib-UBT7OpvPqIhEHFKdEqg6Ku_Ag4wrthZwHJh/s1600/X-MEN.jpg" imageanchor="1"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggKmzb4E79sKJMYjowO5HHAL52GLVSe3UPOGaZ48ijkEqaGQDl4pFO_N4gHjxABVBcvMQCkgUXZhuNnKG_AxzGllJJg39r_JbV52ib-UBT7OpvPqIhEHFKdEqg6Ku_Ag4wrthZwHJh/s400/X-MEN.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A couple of weeks ago I read a headline which stated "Comic fans X-</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">static</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> to discover Wolverine appears in new X-Men movie!" This was a rather silly headline and not just because of the godawful attempt at a pun. (Seriously, I gambit I could forge a dazzler of an X-Men pun in a blink without any of the havoc that beastly attempt caused.) </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Wolverine has featured in at least a cameo appearance in eight films featuring X-Men characters (and as a hilarious meta reference in the ninth: 'Deadpool.') When you consider that by owning the X-Men series, Fox has the rights to over 240 original Marvel characters to use however they want, the fact that they keep returning to the same one is less exciting than it is a worrying sign that they are either lazy or desperately out of ideas. To be honest, I'd be more excited to be told that the next X-Men film 'won't mention Wolverine at all' as this would force the filmmakers to focus on a new interesting and coherent story instead of simply trading on previous successes.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Luckily, much like with his brilliant one line appearance in X-Men: First Class, Wolverine is used quite cleverly in a way that is both enjoyable without distracting from the main thrust of the story which he doesn't greatly influence (also, like that First Class cameo, this film uses it's one rating allowed 'fuck' in the dialogue in the best way it could, although in a different scene with a different character).</span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDJX0HxaGJWmmLAe2gPtEigdmRJaRyIduEQ8NcGVanhE5Tk5Or1JtSgRN1UFuXbOmd2nelvQ4OO7zYqxq4-uSYxiyWN96dG856WTVlgnOmCvwHyb7dOiFXg1w5vnVOXxxmdL4gltJf/s1600/kelsey+beast.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDJX0HxaGJWmmLAe2gPtEigdmRJaRyIduEQ8NcGVanhE5Tk5Or1JtSgRN1UFuXbOmd2nelvQ4OO7zYqxq4-uSYxiyWN96dG856WTVlgnOmCvwHyb7dOiFXg1w5vnVOXxxmdL4gltJf/s320/kelsey+beast.png" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sadly not the Kelsey Grammar version of Beast though.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Unfortunately, outside of this scene, my worries that the film may become muddled and unsatisfying in an attempt to reference past glories was somewhat correct. The film introduces us to some new characters but also many that we have previously seen in other X-Men films even though their appearance and ages here make the timeline of the series into an even more convoluted and contradictory mess than already was (Although if, like me, you simply pretend that X-Men: The Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine don't exist then both this film, and the world in general, make much more sense)</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRwiXO8BcVtENc2yqkdwR0wSS-Yl3BE0J7ExmRiaKIez2033htij_7X1hG0ulqxiWtpeoBQVo-TDZ_TLHVm7Mq-19Jp9d8uXTYX_UrEgJo7qvkPAziOx8JR5YRiD3_TXHeIf7Z4N4j/s1600/origins-wolverine-deadpool-ending.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRwiXO8BcVtENc2yqkdwR0wSS-Yl3BE0J7ExmRiaKIez2033htij_7X1hG0ulqxiWtpeoBQVo-TDZ_TLHVm7Mq-19Jp9d8uXTYX_UrEgJo7qvkPAziOx8JR5YRiD3_TXHeIf7Z4N4j/s320/origins-wolverine-deadpool-ending.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If I keep my eyes closed it's like this shit isn't happening.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For example, there is a popular moment in the original X-Men movie where the team get split up and once some of them re-group Cyclops asks Wolverine to prove that he's not Mystique disguised as him. Wolverine simply replies '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpnXVxWJNkA">you're a dick</a>' which is evidence enough for the others to believe him. However, now due to this film, Mystique has met Cyclops years before the events of that film. Now she would know exactly <a href="https://www.buzzfeed.com/mccarricksean/x-reasons-why-cyclops-is-everyones-least-favo-fjmu?utm_term=.caopyoxX6#.fxxANoqL8">how much of a dick he is!</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Also a major theme in every X-Men film right back from the first is how human society is being unfair and prejudiced to mutants, treating them as dangerous weapons that need to be controlled rather than innocent people deserving freedom and equality. When you consider that in every one of these prequel movies the Earth is almost destroyed by the actions of a handful of crazed, evil mutants then each one only makes the case being fought by the mutantophobic politicians in the early movies even stronger.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I can read the minds of every living person on Earth, erase your memories</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">and brainwash you to do whatever I please but don't worry I've just teleported</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">into the office of the US President with my team of trained super powered soldiers</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">to explain that there is nothing to be afraid of.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So to the plot: Barring a squish-tastic pre-credit sequence where mega-baddie Apocalypse is first defeated in Ancient Egypt by some guys armed with some well placed stone blocks (somewhat deflating his threat level when he returns to destroy us later on) the majority of the film is set in 1983, ten years after the previous X-Men: Days Of Future Past and 20 years since X-Men: First Class (apparently all the characters from that film have aged miraculously well and barely look any different since then).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The main story begins when Rose Byrne's character Moira McTaggart goes to Egypt to search for information on the said title character, an ancient mutant of world destroying power (most likely to get revenge on some REALLY annoying neighbours of hers) and witnesses his awakening (which only required a handful of guys chanting together for five minutes but apparently still took about five thousand years to happen).</span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Posted without comment.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Apocalypse then sets out choosing the most powerful mutants he can find to become his new Four Horsemen to bring about the destruction of all civilisation. These henchmen consist of Magneto, who has the ability to control metal with such power that he can rip minerals out of the earth and tear down bridges and buildings, Storm who can control the weather to the degree that she can create devastating hurricanes and fire lightning from her hands and Angel who... er... has a pair of wings I guess (which I suppose lets him use all his energy flapping them to keep up with the other two while they levitate effortlessly.)</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'd comment Psylocke's powers but even just after watching</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Storm is actually given quite a good introduction as a young, angry, African teenager using her powers for petty theft until she is approached by the titular villain and convinced that she is made for something bigger. (In an early scene when knife wielding man asks here 'Do you know what I they do with thieves around here?' I almost hoped someone would say the hilariously shit follow-up '<a href="https://youtu.be/fe32Iag9RCQ?t=45s">Same thing they do with everyone else</a>!")</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I would've liked to have seen more of Storm developing as a character (especially seeing her turning from bad to good while inspired by Mystique who is destined to go in the other direction) but unfortunately the film feels the need to cram in so many characters that each of them feels underserved by the narrative. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As in previous </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">instalments<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">, Michael Fassbender's Magneto is aptly the most magnetic presence on screen and once again imbues Eric Lehnsherr with both tragic vulnerability and uncontrolled fury. However by the third act, much like Storm, he spends a long sequence pretty much literally hovering around while the plot goes on around him.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Of course during these scenes Magneto is responsible for much of the massive destruction shown in the trailers but that makes no difference since the actual carnage has little to no emotional effect on the audience. Whether it's the main characters' total indifference to the thousands of lives ended or destroyed, the lack of a ground POV or simply the fact that the CGI effects used feel too empty and weightless to connect as reality but the scenes of citywide disaster leave very little impression on those watching. You can't help but get the feeling </span></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">that you'd care more about the buildings and bridges being tore apart if they were made of Lego.</span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2LaFwON4wtLY6oVPLO_Ah9VK2kMih86fe74ptZ1HN-FHTj8S8ZzC_znMQg0BjOM4pRb_0W5DBVqCMo-ylREB6MnJjhsi_khlCZJPa94dDKXDb-w2ofLFRV6gWvCbSwAq1dM-5PS1M/s1600/The-LEGO-Movie-Man-Upstairs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2LaFwON4wtLY6oVPLO_Ah9VK2kMih86fe74ptZ1HN-FHTj8S8ZzC_znMQg0BjOM4pRb_0W5DBVqCMo-ylREB6MnJjhsi_khlCZJPa94dDKXDb-w2ofLFRV6gWvCbSwAq1dM-5PS1M/s320/The-LEGO-Movie-Man-Upstairs.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">the horror...the horror...</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Magneto's lack of direct conflict with Xavier removes a lot of tension from the film's climax as much of this series emotional power comes from watching these former allies forced into fighting against each other (a theme continued with mixed success by this years other big superhero movies: Captain America: Civil War and Batman Vs Superman: Yawn of Martha)</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"I have to save him, he's my best friend"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Batman talking about the guy he literally tried to murder for no</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">reason one scene ago and has only apparently met twice beforehand.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Instead the conflict of the movie centres on Oscar Isaac's new villain Apocalypse. Apocalypse is given suitable hype as a truly dangerous force to contend with (it's not like he's named 'Temporary Discomfort' or anything) but he can't help but feel somewhat underwhelming overall. Isaac is a great actor who can bring quiet intensity to a variety of roles but here he is buried under so much make-up and OTT costuming that he looks like a villain from a 90's kids TV show like Power Rangers. It could be literally anyone straining to be taken seriously underneath all that face paints.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Oscar Isaac is an anagram of Ivan Ooze.<br />Coincidence? I think not!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ironically, despite Apocalypse spending the full runtime looking like a big blue <a href="https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=robert+z%27dar&espv=2&biw=1440&bih=733&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiCyeXr5PjMAhWjJ8AKHfPTAS0Q_AUIBigB">Robert Z'dar</a>, the producers seem keen to keep the majority of the young sexy X Men looking exactly like their bankable stars. Although Mystique has previously been shown to be able to look like anyone at any time but having to put effort in to appear as anything other than a Blue Meanie she spends almost the entire length of the film looking exactly like Jennifer Lawrence while giving <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katniss_Everdeen">rousing speeches to teenagers</a>. Hank McCoy happens to have found a successful cure for this mutant powers so he can look just like rising star Nicholas Hoult and only turns into Beast once he's required to start fighting.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Again, sadly not Kelsey Grammer's Beast.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Despite this nitpicking, there are many positives to be taken from this film. The 1980s setting continues the Cold War paranoia vibe combined with some brilliantly cheesy music and costume choices (at one point one of the young X Men wears Michael Jackson's Thriller jacket, because why the fuck not). There's another suitably silly slo-mo scene of Quicksilver saving the day, which is a shameless retread of the popular 'Time In a Bottle' sequence from Days Of Future Past but is entertaining nonetheless. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ultimately this film's biggest weakness (and most likely the inspiration for the rather unfair drubbing it's got from some critics) is also it's greatest strength. That being the campy, silly spectacle of it all. The film is ridiculous nonsense both narratively and visually but yet it is never boring. The exact details of character's origins and relationships may not be entirely accurate to the source material but you are left in no doubt that what you are watching is an adaption of a comic book (and not the kind that feels it necessary to call itself a 'graphic novel') Sure the drama is lightweight and there is no sense of depth on a character or thematic level but the action is kept, fast and fun throughout. Overall, you feel less like you are watching a self-serious modern superhero movie than the latest episode of a lighthearted Saturday morning kids show. I wouldn't call X-Men: Apocalypse a great film by any means but I know I'd much rather watch it twice back to back than to put myself through the grim, joyless trial that was Batman vs Superman ever again. (In fact comparing the vast difference between the feel of both these films truly reveals the tonal tightrope that the best Marvel films manage to carefully step along)</span></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At one point in the film some of the characters go to a screening of Return of the Jedi and enter a discussion over which is the best Star Wars movie. 'The third is always the worst' they agree. It's not clear whether this is a coded apology for the terrible original third X Men film (Brett Ratner's totally mishandled X Men: The Last Stand) or simply baiting critics already sharpening their knifes for this one. Either way it's a fair assessment. Although the Return of the Jedi analogy seems particularly apt for this film. There is no doubt that it's quality pales in comparison to it's prior two instalments but it carries itself with enough charm and good spirit that fans will be happy to join their favourite characters on another adventure regardless.</span></span>The Mogulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13280029392130296186noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6519627295687432839.post-24643370108364870302016-05-21T13:23:00.000-07:002016-09-05T12:36:17.847-07:00BIG REVIEW: Potter Marathon Part 1: Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (AKA Why state funded free schools are an awful idea)<style>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Note: This post WILL contain spoilers for the above film but not for the films and books that follow (mainly because I haven’t seen/read them yet so can’t ruin anything.) Out of basic decency I request that you avoid further spoilers in the comments so not to ruin the series for anyone who is watching along with us or, more importantly, me. You have been warned so no complaining!</span><style>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">And thus we begin; with the first film in the series, Harry Potter and The Philosopher’s Stone (although in The States it was released as Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone since the studio unfairly assumed American audiences would be too stupid to know what a philosopher was.)</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Posted without comment</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The film begins with the wizard Dumbledore wandering down a regular suburban street. He then takes a magical device out of his pocket (which looks suspiciously like a cigarette lighter that they borrowed off the crew after losing the real “magical” prop) and uses it to snatch the light out of all the street lamps around him. Having not read the book I can only assume that this is so they can go about their series-starting mission under the cloak of darkness although I fail to see how magically turning off street lamps will draw less attention to him than, say, not doing any magic and just walking down the street like a normal person. Also if he was so concerned about ordinary people (or “Muggles” as I have been advised to call them) finding out about the existence of wizards then maybe he should instead consider maybe <b>not dressing like fucking Gandalf for once.</b></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Revealing our secrets could end our world but there’s </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">no damn way anyone is touching my pimp-ass beard!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Dumbledore then meets up with a cat that magically turns into Dame Maggie Smith (my third favourite Dame after Dench and Bowie) and then completes his quiet, subtle entrance by meeting an eight foot tall Robbie Coltrane on a flying motorbike. As you do…</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">...just an average night around here</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Our wizardly trio then reveal that they are carrying a baby with a very distinctive scar on its face. They promptly abandon the baby on a doorstep and disappear into the night, which to be honest is a common way to deal with disfigured children in the UK.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">And then ROLL TITLES!</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> I’m already regretting this decision</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">And so, we are first introduced to our protagonist. On the eve of his eleventh birthday, the young Harry Potter is pale, scrawny and bespectacled and looks less likely to grow up into a badass warrior than he is to grow up into Louis Theroux. Although if the film series has a twist ending revealing Louis (sorry…”Harry”) to be an investigative journalist who was only playing along with the magic stuff in order to get the inside scoop on the wizarding world I’ll be mightily impressed.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">This still wouldn't be as strange or </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">disturbing </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">as the one with Jimmy Saville</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">It is soon revealed that Harry has been living with his uncle and aunt for the last (and first) 11 years of his life where they psychologically torture and bully him, force him to act as a slave for them and refuse to let him out of the cupboard he lives in when guests are around. I’m not entirely sure where this segment of the film is set but I’m going to hazard a guess and say Austria.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Don’t pretend you weren't thinking this</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Soon, Harry starts to receive mysterious letters although his uncle and aunt destroy them before he can read them. The letters start arriving in larger and larger numbers and Uncle Vernon is forced to nail shut the letterbox to avoid their arrival. This only taunts the psychotic postman (postwizard? post-owl?) who then floods the house with thousands of letters forcing the family to move away to avoid them. I understand this scene is supposed to be magical and enchanting but for me it merely brought back horrible memories of the state of my flat.</span> </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Although most of mine are from Debt Collectors</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Harry and the Dursley’s move into their dilapidated shack in the country but on the first night a large hairy man comes out of the forest, breaks into their home, corners Harry and tells him that he wants to take him away to his secret magic place. Of course, the hirsute bed intruder is Hagrid, one of our heroes, and Harry is correct to agree to run away from the only home he’s ever known to instead live a life based on the barely evidenced promises of a rather creepy looking stranger with an penchant for breaking and entering. This is the first of the many <b>Terrible Life Lessons</b> we will be keeping track of during these reviews.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8w2jpUPJLCAhB_8-wxAhNQil8Q3ha9ALFWfyzHodtydxMxLn2k1bwFKvznCRVjlzxVtPIAlVIkbJM3Y8kugowTvnr_y2Z7zDz8Puu1qm6bS7aygEto-TkJdmZzKEL-EHECoFFfV91/s1600/safe+hagrid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="176" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8w2jpUPJLCAhB_8-wxAhNQil8Q3ha9ALFWfyzHodtydxMxLn2k1bwFKvznCRVjlzxVtPIAlVIkbJM3Y8kugowTvnr_y2Z7zDz8Puu1qm6bS7aygEto-TkJdmZzKEL-EHECoFFfV91/s320/safe+hagrid.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Hagrid?</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">So Harry disappears into the night with Hagrid and the film suddenly jumps forward to London the next day (I assume because a scene set that night in Hagrid's battered van with the blacked out windows was deemed inappropriate for family audiences.)</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAFAJxdX0VA1uSljnLFirN1MQR7YeDclNZDJ25czO8L6Y2pYWbmhgKUox9UKmAj30KQAa2255XouLk87DBwAgvScK4FarcDBo14iZWJZdzHz1dzFjr20q-jdYsMcqadcJM8hwLiZUd/s1600/pedobear-van-3312.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAFAJxdX0VA1uSljnLFirN1MQR7YeDclNZDJ25czO8L6Y2pYWbmhgKUox9UKmAj30KQAa2255XouLk87DBwAgvScK4FarcDBo14iZWJZdzHz1dzFjr20q-jdYsMcqadcJM8hwLiZUd/s320/pedobear-van-3312.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Once in London, Hagrid introduces Harry to the wizarding community, which at first seems to mainly consist of some old alcoholics and a stuttering fop in a purple turban. Needless to say, they all instantly recognise Harry and tell him how he is very special and that they are honoured to meet him. They travel through a secret magical passage into a magical street filled with magical shops and magical people and, most magical of all, the only walkway in London where you won't be pestered by those annoyingly cheerful charity muggers.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXAAw9WMwyAGLF9fNSBLM2DpvWPN2-BtWYJLlItk2wN1t5pWVhGUC9b1jQ7xBpTUi5cJ1U8lDqV7-v9KIZ5P8gz7QUEPKzZIR8J8V1iT44AFYAH4oBhXzV-536c9-SUSxmBZ0BICRd/s1600/chugger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXAAw9WMwyAGLF9fNSBLM2DpvWPN2-BtWYJLlItk2wN1t5pWVhGUC9b1jQ7xBpTUi5cJ1U8lDqV7-v9KIZ5P8gz7QUEPKzZIR8J8V1iT44AFYAH4oBhXzV-536c9-SUSxmBZ0BICRd/s320/chugger.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> Hey man, you look like a cool guy, can you spare a minute? Hey, what </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">are you doing with that lighter? These overalls are very flammable you</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">know. Oh please! Oh god n-Aaaaaaaagh!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">So they continue on until they get to the magic bank. The magic bank seems just like an ordinary bank except it's clean, well run and has the staff don't look like they are hiding near homicidal hatred of you beneath Stepford Wife-like smiles. Oh and the staff are goblins.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">ALL of the staff are goblins. Now goblins don't feature anywhere else in this film but they appear to occupy EVERY SINGLE banking job in the wizard world as if they were running some sort of international banking conspiracy. For some reason just typing those last three words made me rather uncomfortable. Did I mention that the goblins look just like humans but are depicted as being squat, mean, ugly and all of them have long wispy hair and large hooked noses.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Oh... oh dear god.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Now I'm not suggesting that JK Rowling is some kind of modern day Leni Riefenstahl, or even that she has consciously filled her books with thinly veiled allusions to Nazi propaganda but I think we can agree that, maybe on some subconscious level, she has maybe been listening to a tad too much Wagner. The German composer that is, not the Brazilian X Factor lunatic.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC9KdvqGVJDbPDRavwqnWcT5oEGuMXH1xy9KXc_vvlC7LDTRmaij6H3w_VKI8nNEBbHPU8JxZVahgE-H4MmxTBDllDG4wpPctuYjgIRcEE7LLZ1-pOLDqHKiP49HwHpoqXqgekBZVC/s1600/Wagners.png" imageanchor="1"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="201" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC9KdvqGVJDbPDRavwqnWcT5oEGuMXH1xy9KXc_vvlC7LDTRmaij6H3w_VKI8nNEBbHPU8JxZVahgE-H4MmxTBDllDG4wpPctuYjgIRcEE7LLZ1-pOLDqHKiP49HwHpoqXqgekBZVC/s320/Wagners.png" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> One of these men composed the stunning Ride of the Valkyries but unfortunately also </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">The other stunningly tried to headbutt </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">One Direction but unfortunately </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">was also </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">responsible for the slaughter of Radiohead's Creep.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I have equal admiration and complete hatred for them both.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">So while at the bank Harry is told that not only is he a famous celebrity with magical powers, known and loved by millions of wizards everywhere but he is also really really fucking rich. This has to be the most obviously piece of author wish fulfillment since Stephanie Meyer tried to convince her readers that there are men willing to sleep with her.</span></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC33WpER8phYhOpxCXWV35Q3m8khCyfeswbxYEAFn4w-lNVbb9YPN_Og3EEkWU0C6JBAeSIbgPTGNXvkusFy7crQxeKcoIMJZ1MvbAH-0nU52qaJmAl3MeqX8Nr17S6wilLp8xDQJj/s1600/Bella.jpg" imageanchor="1"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="158" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC33WpER8phYhOpxCXWV35Q3m8khCyfeswbxYEAFn4w-lNVbb9YPN_Og3EEkWU0C6JBAeSIbgPTGNXvkusFy7crQxeKcoIMJZ1MvbAH-0nU52qaJmAl3MeqX8Nr17S6wilLp8xDQJj/s200/Bella.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> Oh the dilemma of choosing between the extremely good looking</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Then a bunch of other stuff happens involving wands, broomsticks and an obligatory cameo from John Hurt and we are on our way to Hogwarts!</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So off Harry goes to Kings Cross station in order to get the train to Hogwarts to study how to be a wizard. At first he can't find his train since it's on the seemingly fictional <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platform_9%C2%BE">Platform 9¾</a> but he is thankfully helped out another group of strange magical creatures the world doesn't understand: Gingers.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlpWEcel5QKE5Cd2kDzAUlpoCHMCAxdZlFnJJOJqPKVTYTrkJWyzJkUrVXu0l9nmbEhoa7PBijCETlsMM4EMLaSb3j3tb7BGaLDqOhC52SZU2rKz1Ud-XkDcSE220kUp7WT3rpNou8/s1600/weasleys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlpWEcel5QKE5Cd2kDzAUlpoCHMCAxdZlFnJJOJqPKVTYTrkJWyzJkUrVXu0l9nmbEhoa7PBijCETlsMM4EMLaSb3j3tb7BGaLDqOhC52SZU2rKz1Ud-XkDcSE220kUp7WT3rpNou8/s320/weasleys.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Although being <i>Wizard </i>Gingers, they actually DO have souls.</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Once on the train Harry shares a carriage with another new student (and one of the gingers) called Ron. I'd describe Ron but that would surely be insulting your intelligence. Even I knew who Ron was and I've been actively avoiding these films until now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Within minutes of meeting Ron, Harry decides to show off how much richer he is by ordering all the sweets on the confectionery trolley. The boys bond while stuffing their mouths full of assorted sugar including a fully sentient chocolate frog which instantly makes an escape bid to avoid being eaten alive, raising numerous questions about Wizard's utter disdain for animal welfare.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Then Hermione shows up and is introduced in a scene which only lasts about one and half minutes but manages to contain so much smug self-satisfaction that I hoped that Ron would snap and launch her out the speeding train window.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Finally the train arrives at Hogwarts and the students are greeted at the station by... Hagrid? Wait, wasn't it Hagrid who saw Harry off at the station in London just a scene ago? How did Hagrid get here before the train? And if he does have some faster method of getting to the school why did he force Harry to get the train instead of traveling with him? (I guess <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AWizardDidIt">A Wizard Did It</a>)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">So they leave the train station and sail across a short stretch of water to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry which too be honest does look pretty damn magical. I'm a sucker for levitating candles I guess. Once they arrive they begin the sorting ceremony.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">The sorting ceremony revolves around The Sorting Hat which is a hat shaped creature which can read the children's minds and thus decide which of the school's four houses they will each attend. Now considering that this film's plot (and if DVD boxes are to be believed, <i>every</i> film's plot) revolves around preventing a secret conspiracy from resurrecting the evil wizard Voldemort, surely a hat that can read minds would be better put to use being put on the heads of the adults instead. Also when the hat threatens to put Harry in the decidedly evil sounding House Slytherin, he manages to convince the hat that he'd rather go to the more noble sounding House Gryffindor. Surely if the hat is so easily swayed in it's decisions then the students are pretty much sorted randomly and the ceremony might as well just be based around a regular non-magical hat filled with bits of paper (which must be preferable since it doesn't involve children inserting their heads inside another living being.)</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5tml6deGtCr62iwjD47a9WFCQ4eE16jCThWbG97ziA_uS-3DfD8k9l-zjYWRNv1vsMx6oAf2_W0YTFHqZ327YrV-ymSUCpqT46LJNST6vUP0ojywM-bLP99k67-qL3V9rLON5jlcR/s1600/car+keys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5tml6deGtCr62iwjD47a9WFCQ4eE16jCThWbG97ziA_uS-3DfD8k9l-zjYWRNv1vsMx6oAf2_W0YTFHqZ327YrV-ymSUCpqT46LJNST6vUP0ojywM-bLP99k67-qL3V9rLON5jlcR/s320/car+keys.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Most of my "sorting ceremonies" simply involve car keys in a fruit bowl.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">This scene also introduces the kids to the teachers at the school who seem to consist of Maggie Smith's teuchter accent, the turban guy from the pub earlier and, most importantly, Alan Fucking Rickman.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgin_-D5aew2W5ENIskhXcLSDfMcS_nY5brcAJ1XoKPsyMW_KJ5V2ng8cGyVbL2zAavOo_TOKd97KOJuQ42yokbZw9GyKA3UC98R9ZqBScqFpV5ZC68R_E7dH0W8JtZzrLwk5PUA2C5/s1600/alan+rickman.jpg" imageanchor="1"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgin_-D5aew2W5ENIskhXcLSDfMcS_nY5brcAJ1XoKPsyMW_KJ5V2ng8cGyVbL2zAavOo_TOKd97KOJuQ42yokbZw9GyKA3UC98R9ZqBScqFpV5ZC68R_E7dH0W8JtZzrLwk5PUA2C5/s320/alan+rickman.jpg" width="224" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I'm going to count to three, there will not be a four.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Take off your clothes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">After some general school scenes we get to a class on broomstick flying which is taught by a teacher played by Zoe Wannamaker. The class consists of the following advice:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>"Once you've got hold of your broom, I want you to mount it. Grip it tight, you don't want to be sliding off the end."</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Hmm...no innuendo there. The main thing I took from this scene was that it reminded me that I used to slightly fancy Zoe Wannamaker when I was a young boy. Although maybe that was just because convincing myself that I fancied her was the only conceivable way to survive the mind-numbing dullness of watching "My Family."</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguAMtHvrDmmCLkbtKjvwdBMOAbxjVVE7A1l0B5ybTwd1-ImwQy-aRaUm4E3VT0MQDR-7MSfxu07auVtO_A0lmOpFpIaBg317a-Z80Ifp2pZsry_hyphenhyphenWsqIqgRi9MA05XA7qerqmfJb6/s1600/hollyoaks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguAMtHvrDmmCLkbtKjvwdBMOAbxjVVE7A1l0B5ybTwd1-ImwQy-aRaUm4E3VT0MQDR-7MSfxu07auVtO_A0lmOpFpIaBg317a-Z80Ifp2pZsry_hyphenhyphenWsqIqgRi9MA05XA7qerqmfJb6/s320/hollyoaks.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It's the only plausible explanation for the continued popularity of Hollyoaks</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">So during this lesson the broomstick ridden by a young boy called Neville goes wildly out of control firing him up and around the sky, smashing into buildings before dropping him from the height of the school towers (luckily having this potentially fatal fall broken by his robe/cape/thingy catching on a pole.) This scene clearly shows that the teacher of this class, despite having magical powers herself and being responsible for <i>flying</i> lessons, is utterly incapable of stopping her students from falling to their deaths at any point. The teacher then leaves the kids on their own with no-one watching, still holding their extremely dangerous broomsticks. When, inevitably, Harry and some smarmy little prick called Draco start messing around at precarious heights they are only stopped because Harry happens to fly past the window of the previously strict Prof. McGonigall. Does she instantly expel them for risking each others lives? Give them detention to teach them the error of their ways? No, instead she gives Harry the chance to join the school's own Quidditch team. Hogwarts appears to have a Health & Safety record on par with the underground science facility in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQGqUC707e0">Day of the Dead</a>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">So what's Quidditch you may ask (although if you're really asking that then you're probably reading the wrong article.) Well it's like a version of Wizard football which is particularly notable for making <i>no fucking sense. </i> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">You see, there are 7 players in a Quidditch team. Three are Chasers, two are Beaters and one is the Keeper. I would explain what each of these players do but there's no point since they don't seem to affect the outcome of the game in any way at all. This is because the seventh player (and surprise surprise Harry's position) is a Seeker who's job it is to catch something called "The Golden Snitch" which not only ends the game but also gives your team a scoreline destroying 150 points making everything that happens beforehand pretty much void. I would go into further details about the Quidditch scene in this film (which is actually one of the most exciting, entertaining and well realised in the whole movie) but this illogicality of game rules actually causes me to become angry in ways that few films manage.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtSHHhHxDkly0CxFo3HAuinMirwxqVs-tbPQMrLq3rmFwBpcfU8p9MkLPDgE18-riUgI_v1L261OLOPkcM4RRyKNawLJDJT0CtXABTV5X4ac1H1m9HRN8-gQU9bfzQoEd1F2bZwoXQ/s1600/darth_vader_nooo_7675.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="219" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtSHHhHxDkly0CxFo3HAuinMirwxqVs-tbPQMrLq3rmFwBpcfU8p9MkLPDgE18-riUgI_v1L261OLOPkcM4RRyKNawLJDJT0CtXABTV5X4ac1H1m9HRN8-gQU9bfzQoEd1F2bZwoXQ/s320/darth_vader_nooo_7675.jpeg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">And almost of of their titles start with"Star Wars"and end with "Special Edition"</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Aaaaaaaanyway, some other important stuff happens before we get to that. Firstly, Harry, Ron and Hermione end up wandering around the forbidden third floor, a part of the building that they were expressively warned was extremely dangerous (although considering the staircases in Hogwarts move of their own accord forcing them into this area, I'd say this is yet another failure of basic <b>Health & Safety</b> in this school and I'll be both surprised and disappointed if it isn't shut down by the end of the series.) While here the kids wander into a room where they are attacked by giant three headed dog made of mediocre CGI.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Later on, Harry and Ron are sitting eating a meal of what appears to be NOTHING BUT CAKES in the main hall (Hermione supposedly isn't here due to spending the whole day crying in the toilets after Ron called her out for being a smug, patronising bitch. Ha!) when Prof. Quirrel (ie. the turbaned guy) runs in screaming that there is a troll in dungeons before collapsing in the middle of the room. Is he dead? Injured? Bewitched? It doesn't matter. They just ignore him and leave him lying comatose on the floor while the students calmly evacuate the building, possibly trampling him in the process.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Harry and Ron sneak off and run back in to tell Hermione because (obviously!) the troll is now in the girls bathroom. The troll itself isn't very threatening, mainly because it's one of the worst CGI creations I've seen in a major movie for a long time. Honestly it looks like a weakly designed boss from a first person shooter game from the early 90s.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjffmT6TT75zQoiofp_a95Ak-m01TYmBeLQMjIDOL9haHA6BkgZtm3-WB2SIQVOQZsy4FbXtMEQeG51bJhPsLbRQMzWNHT9gEZRGu4GP4YxnmLz1RZp_v3PXrWshSdCyO3ycZFVBla5/s1600/chaingun+hitler.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjffmT6TT75zQoiofp_a95Ak-m01TYmBeLQMjIDOL9haHA6BkgZtm3-WB2SIQVOQZsy4FbXtMEQeG51bJhPsLbRQMzWNHT9gEZRGu4GP4YxnmLz1RZp_v3PXrWshSdCyO3ycZFVBla5/s320/chaingun+hitler.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Although sadly not mecha-zombie Hitler from Castle Wolfenstein</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">They defeat the troll and are rewarded five points each for saving the school (seriously, just <i>five</i> points! I'd hate to see what you have to do to get ten.) The next morning they notice that Prof. Snape (or Alan Fucking Rickman, if you're not a fan) is limping. In true scooby doo style, they deduce that he must have let in the troll in order to cause a distraction to get to the trapdoor under the three headed dog to steal the object that Hagrid took from the bank in the earlier racially insensitive scene (phew!) Of course, three kids wandered into that same room earlier on without anyone noticing so why the troll part was necessary is anyone's guess. During this scene Harry is also given a gift of a broomstick by one of the teachers because, well, he's just better than everyone else and Hogwarts is all about unfairness and favouritism.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Fittingly this leads us into the previously mentioned Quidditch scene which I won't go into detail on since my henchmen are fed up of me reenacting <a href="http://youtu.be/Q3hfQ2IOc8s">this scene</a> in rage every time I think about it. Lets just say that we find out that a sporting game where all the players and the entire audience are capable of magic and <i>no-one is actively stopping them using spells</i> is about as fairly played as you'd expect. Also, Harry wins the game (because <i>of course</i> he does.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Later on Harry receives an christmas present of an invisibility cloak (no-one seems concerned that an 11-year old boy keeps receiving anonymous gifts only an adult could purchase. Most schools would consider this "grooming") and uses it to first catch Prof. Quirrel and Prof. Snape having a secret argument and second discover a magical mirror which shows the viewer their utmost desire (something that must need constantly cleaned with bleach considering the number of teenage boys at the school.)</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi05a0IIm6KUfuW4chCLvVoIgFTJCfFSN6mKQz2DycQ3Q0wwxJymC5SJzZkGkTMyrr_Ejmk_11bdcdvj_JzjYJyyCnsJ20MMorsQvdFNSe_O6Ait6CPEi4mNuJPY0BLg5wFanWBT00/s1600/Mirror.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi05a0IIm6KUfuW4chCLvVoIgFTJCfFSN6mKQz2DycQ3Q0wwxJymC5SJzZkGkTMyrr_Ejmk_11bdcdvj_JzjYJyyCnsJ20MMorsQvdFNSe_O6Ait6CPEi4mNuJPY0BLg5wFanWBT00/s320/Mirror.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Oh mirror, how did you know!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">The kids begin to suspect that the hidden item that the mirror hides is the Philosopher's Stone which now can not only change lead to gold but can also grant extended life. They go out to Hagrid's cottage that night to see what they can find out from him. Quite a lot, it turns out since Hagrid folds under the weakest questioning. If he gueststarred in one episode of The Wire they would have him confessing to all the drug smuggling, the red ribbon murders and all of Omar's hold-ups before he even set a foot in West Baltimore. Again this reflects badly on Dumbledore and his poor judge of character. Not only are at least one of his teachers involved in evil scheming but he has trusted his innermost secrets with a walking spoiler factory.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1UbILYbJULT7fF34abx0DpJDJe-0NEVEcH0IhxkremSum8rI-YT2dy0taOBWbP1hZZIt54V7SQ_H97jk6O7NLvW7dpBZygxEqI2drAhsZfye5AvJVqsd2kGQXYHW0emQGmUQHPMHq/s1600/spoilerz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1UbILYbJULT7fF34abx0DpJDJe-0NEVEcH0IhxkremSum8rI-YT2dy0taOBWbP1hZZIt54V7SQ_H97jk6O7NLvW7dpBZygxEqI2drAhsZfye5AvJVqsd2kGQXYHW0emQGmUQHPMHq/s1600/spoilerz.jpg" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">All of this is spied on by slithering Slytherin (see what I did there) Draco Malfoy who instantly runs off to rat on our protagonists for being out of bed after curfew. The kids are all punished for this (quite satisfyingly this includes Draco because nobody likes a grass) This makes sense at least because in a school filled and surrounded by dangerous magical creatures it would be a major risk to allow kids out to wander in the dark, especially near a terrifying, wild forest. The punishment the kids are given to teach them about safety is detention ...at night ...in the forest ...alone. It's nice to see that Prof. Maggie Smith Mcgonagall has similarly homicidal teaching methods to my own.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Then this happens:</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5zPjy2SNHcPt7t4n-iCq1r4_qL6M_2z5_GMKfEETrsp6W2soTdlC-gGw1BKR9IjVuh57JXEFIZRglvjDWgohLxsRs7FKHt3jwK9ynEAhKJG83A-brMkztIZJOcZtab2X71F1T3uyF/s1600/dead+unicorn.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5zPjy2SNHcPt7t4n-iCq1r4_qL6M_2z5_GMKfEETrsp6W2soTdlC-gGw1BKR9IjVuh57JXEFIZRglvjDWgohLxsRs7FKHt3jwK9ynEAhKJG83A-brMkztIZJOcZtab2X71F1T3uyF/s320/dead+unicorn.png" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Not Twilight Sparkle! Noooooooooooooooooo!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Yes, that is a picture of a hooded ghoul-like creature sucking the blood out of the throat of a dead unicorn. Fantastic! I can't help but smile at the idea of hundreds of naive little girls (and even more so "<a href="http://www.wired.com/underwire/2011/06/bronies-my-little-ponys/">bronies</a>") going to see the fun magic movie only to be permanently traumatised by this scene. Awesome. Extra kudos is due as well for the choice to use mainly practical effects in this scene. After a couple of dodgy uses of CGI overload earlier it's nice to see the monster here played by an actor in make-up and a shroud moving slowly to sinister music. As a terrified Harry collapses in the dark before the slowly approaching demonic being there is a genuine feeling of suspense as you wonder how he'll possibly escape this nightmare.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Oh wait, naff CGI saves the day. Out of nowhere a barely rendered Centaur appears and chases off the creature with it's clattering hooves and disregard of real world physics. It doesn't even attempt to rape the villain (as Centaurs are wont to do, <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A647129">I'm told</a>) The Centaur then reels off a load of exposition as if director Chris Columbus was standing just out of shot waving a massive script at him in a desperate attempt to cram as much backstory on the screen before the audience dies of old age or the world runs out of celluloid. Short version; the monster was Voldemort who's not dead but not quite alive yet either and needs the Philosopher's Stone to regain his powers (as if we couldn't have guessed that.) Just to be on the safe side this is followed by a scene of Harry, Ron and Hermione sitting round a fire basically recapping everything we already know but may have missed while napping since this film is almost <i>three fucking hours long.</i> They conclude that they will be safe as long as Dumbledore is around (despite him showing no interest in student safety so far.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Cue Dumbledore leaving on urgent business. (We didn't see <i>that one</i> coming!) Finally, this seems to be the fabled Third Act which I thought may never come. So after seeing Prof. Snape acting all... Snapey... they decide that he must be planning to steal the Stone that night and plan to beat him to it. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7rVy4JLbAu7f5P6vE-YaAKeFV5AELwYDY0rLg8lTVnLgEr_KghkyY5sM-CMBLpGo8HRM6YlXDK4ZSEgC5A2s2FJ3jQsNb-8HR6HOE4kju895MaSrru2MuUwVWYyUNAlsE_w_UfRwq/s1600/trent.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7rVy4JLbAu7f5P6vE-YaAKeFV5AELwYDY0rLg8lTVnLgEr_KghkyY5sM-CMBLpGo8HRM6YlXDK4ZSEgC5A2s2FJ3jQsNb-8HR6HOE4kju895MaSrru2MuUwVWYyUNAlsE_w_UfRwq/s320/trent.gif" width="282" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Pictured: Trent Reznor, the Snapiest singer of all.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">First they have to get past Neville who is determined not to have our protagonists ruin his house's points again. So Hermione does a spell which seems to knock him into some sort of coma which seems a bit much considering they probably could have just bribed him or brought him along. Then she magics open the door to the secret room where they sneak past the dog creature and then helps the boys to escape a dangerous plant in a scene that seems like a straight lift of the trash compactor scene in Star Wars. For a series called Harry Potter, Hermione seems to be doing most of the heavy lifting so far. I feel a bit bad for being so angry at her smugness before. As the only remotely competent person in the film so far she's maybe earn it. Eventually they reach a giant chess board on which they have to win to get through. For extra dramatic effect the pieces once taken are smashed to bits (although they are surprisingly all still here considering that our heroes are not the first people to take this route this night)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">So Ron jumps on a knight and starts to play the game. Inevitably it becomes apparent that the only way they can win the game is by allowing said knight to be taken so that Harry can move his piece in for the checkmate. This scene is played out as a noble heroic sacrifice as Ron risks his life for the mission. Of course, no-one considers suggesting that Ron could, you know, jump off the piece before it is taken? Even the player had to physically be on a piece for the game to work, surely it would have been more sensible to climb on the king since it's <b>the only piece that can never be taken.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">So Ron gets hurt and Hermione stays with him to allow Harry to go face the final battle with Snape alone. Harry bursts into the room and discovers the magical mirror from before being peered into longingly by... Professor Quirrell? Yes, it was Quirrell all along and Snape was actually defending Harry, a revealation designed to teach kids the important lesson that we should not judge people on appearances alone (even if they dress like Adore-era Smashing Pumpkins)</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtnYbRrYph5Lr8hBeiY5UXNAOydPFHNqubvbQ5ja6DCdQaYXdQILXe8-uyHFPofhsOVyGy_lyR-cXDmTr_k948dtBsweRLMSTGewIeBa5UiB_5cJqEwhb3R_8elbZdjBhm50grqBaD/s1600/smashingpumpkins.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtnYbRrYph5Lr8hBeiY5UXNAOydPFHNqubvbQ5ja6DCdQaYXdQILXe8-uyHFPofhsOVyGy_lyR-cXDmTr_k948dtBsweRLMSTGewIeBa5UiB_5cJqEwhb3R_8elbZdjBhm50grqBaD/s1600/smashingpumpkins.jpg" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Who said Grunge died along with Kurt Cobain? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">What's that? Everyone? Okay, fair enough.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Not only that but Quirrell removes his turban revealing that it is concealing the face of Voldemort growing out of the back of his head.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieqkDPdv8awU-o-9tW9NlMzOQ_c-e4fAhK6DHLg1SMFI_sSxZyWlJo8-ZFXiXLYyO6Ta1goGdbRHwO-9XwN5mVIm4JDjGHCMPaPRb9ONfqLN0_AElicpk6RyT5cJ7gfwN_iCU1MqbU/s1600/quirrell.wix_mp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="176" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieqkDPdv8awU-o-9tW9NlMzOQ_c-e4fAhK6DHLg1SMFI_sSxZyWlJo8-ZFXiXLYyO6Ta1goGdbRHwO-9XwN5mVIm4JDjGHCMPaPRb9ONfqLN0_AElicpk6RyT5cJ7gfwN_iCU1MqbU/s200/quirrell.wix_mp.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">There's nothing nightmare inducing about this at all.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">This slightly undermines the last message by instead sending the slightly more Daily Mail-ish message that you shouldn't judge people on appearances unless they are wearing a turban in which case they're probably hiding something.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmqdVmUngXnMUtaNypRu36Daf3vz_H06WNhqCZaUYX4mS1SXh755D313_87yRjc4l8AP-zdEP5duzv1K_W6HlVdNsba3tmNy9VR6gtfEVO6oCuKDAOLu5Gl6yPdEJbKXFNSBSoFS6B/s1600/Turban.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmqdVmUngXnMUtaNypRu36Daf3vz_H06WNhqCZaUYX4mS1SXh755D313_87yRjc4l8AP-zdEP5duzv1K_W6HlVdNsba3tmNy9VR6gtfEVO6oCuKDAOLu5Gl6yPdEJbKXFNSBSoFS6B/s200/Turban.jpg" width="130" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I knew not to trust that Ghandi prick.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">So Quirrell, under to orders from the angry face on the back of his head, tries to strangle Harry but, due to some exposition I can't be bothered getting into, touching Harry causes his hand to burn and crumble away. Harry is horrified seeing this carnage so does instantly does what any other innocent child would do in this situation; he grabs Quirrell by the jaw and <i>melts his fucking face right off!</i> The ghost of Voldemort then leaves Quirrells body leaving Harry to sleep off the joy and excitement of his first outright murder.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFIv-gI7VFFnyU4E9KqRx-nwbEocwTfBq4Pl8d5QqerofTfxB-jfGvM2Zyu44SNsYe_rffKRw0FugjMmUKvYESYDv7Gfy_QTqxsCun5GfgygtZnpBMosHYpUDINxegE44jsr0YZ7TJ/s1600/untitled.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFIv-gI7VFFnyU4E9KqRx-nwbEocwTfBq4Pl8d5QqerofTfxB-jfGvM2Zyu44SNsYe_rffKRw0FugjMmUKvYESYDv7Gfy_QTqxsCun5GfgygtZnpBMosHYpUDINxegE44jsr0YZ7TJ/s320/untitled.jpg" width="249" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">So Professor, do you like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzN3qO-qc8U">Huey Lewis and The News</a>? </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Harry wakes up the next day in the hospital where he finds a creepy old man sitting on his bed trying to give him presents. Oh wait, that's Dumbledore. It's been so long since he's done anything of relevance (the prologue?) that I forgot what he looked like. He explains that the Philosopher's Stone has now been destroyed for safety's sake but that Voldemort will try to return again through other means (ie. sequel bait.) Finally the film reaches it's denouement at the large feast at the end of the school year when the House points are counted up. At first it seems like House Slytherin has easily won over a rather pathetic score from House Gryffindor. Just as the Slytherin kids start celebrating Dumbledore cuts them off to tell them that he has some last minute points to award. Obviously these go to Harry and Hermione for their bravery the night before and Ron for "best game of chess" (seriously, to the guy who didn't know that you couldn't take the king!) Finally an extra ten points go to Neville who deserves it for having to put up with so much shit from everyone else. Inevitably this puts Gryffindor in the lead giving those kids the happy ending we expected them to get. Is it just me or does this seem like a total dick move on Dumbledore's part. Could he not have just counted in those scores before telling Slytherin they had won. Surely, telling a quarter of your students that they have won a prize only to take it away from them a minute later is nothing but pure malice. No wonder so many Slytherin go on to become evil if they get treated like this all the time. And that's not even mentioning the other two houses who have got punted down from second and third place to third and <b>last</b>. Good God, I sometimes think Dumbledore hates kids even more than I do.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3LeZel5UfH-EdWa0_ek-FHP5u8Y7B3DPx95n-0RawTkizrP5z_DMsrFtBLrfM6IWTodmEEmFfjtN4NQErkFulQB9vegMfbDYKONXNcCx0OM7O1rQuRf7UdltK-7vDwC3VLb78QGta/s1600/kids.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="128" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3LeZel5UfH-EdWa0_ek-FHP5u8Y7B3DPx95n-0RawTkizrP5z_DMsrFtBLrfM6IWTodmEEmFfjtN4NQErkFulQB9vegMfbDYKONXNcCx0OM7O1rQuRf7UdltK-7vDwC3VLb78QGta/s640/kids.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Seriously, fuck you. fuck you. fuck you and <b>especially</b> Fuck you!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">So to sum up: I entered this film expecting the worst. I have seen twee sentimental family "entertainment" far too often in my life and I'm not entirely sure why I chose to go through with this marathon of child aimed adventures. However, in truth, I was pleasantly surprised. Ignoring all of the above points and Chris Columbus's cowardly decision to sacrifice pacing and emotional arcs in order to throw as much of JK Rowling's novel at the screen, I genuinely quite enjoyed watching this movie. The kids may have a few films ahead of them before they pick up this acting game but they are well supported by an excellent cast of character actors. Columbus has, for the most part, achieved something quite spectacular in bringing this world to the screen in a way that pleases fans without alienating the rest of his audience. Bring on round two. I'm ready for you Harry, either I'll see the end of you or you'll see the end of me!</span><br />
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<u><b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">End of Term Report Card:</span></b></u><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>National Treasures Unearthed</b>: Plenty. This film brought in a stunning cast that would continue the journey through the next seven films. Robbie Coltrane, Maggie Smith, Richard Harris, Alan Fucking Rickman, Richard Griffiths, not to mention cameo appearances from John Hurt and John Cleese. Excellent.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Darkness Meter: </b>I heard these films get darker and more adult as they go on so I was pleased to find that this first film wasn't all rainbows and lollipops. There wasn't much horror to go with the fantasy until the closing chapters when a very dead unicorn and a possessed screaming cranial deformity reminded us of where this story is leading. A quiet but encouraging start.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Hogwarts Health & Safety Report:</b> Abysmal. Shut this deathtrap down now!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>How Annoying is Hermione:</b> Very.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Rules of Quidditch?:</b> <a href="http://youtu.be/HY-03vYYAjA">Aaaaaaaaaggghhhnnnnneeeuuuurrrrrrrrgh!</a></span><br />
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The Mogulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13280029392130296186noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6519627295687432839.post-4313977171176479142016-05-20T09:38:00.002-07:002016-06-03T10:35:38.225-07:00NEW RELEASES: Green Room & Our Kind of Traitor<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Green Room</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>(Director: Jeremy Suilnier. Starring: Patrick Stewart, Anton Yelchin, Imogen Poots)</i></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWim-k-lnJHLqnSIi-e_GCsDN8vtRqXylMvzNMBjZWzGBzjXkggAd6XOSv0pzJsp0GGEvBq_AHbeLjZW8Tv_RHgzBe0Tf8gXi77eWFwEvG4XyuML-ydg3GrwGFOOxD2QmKEhQ5QOMo/s1600/Green-Roon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWim-k-lnJHLqnSIi-e_GCsDN8vtRqXylMvzNMBjZWzGBzjXkggAd6XOSv0pzJsp0GGEvBq_AHbeLjZW8Tv_RHgzBe0Tf8gXi77eWFwEvG4XyuML-ydg3GrwGFOOxD2QmKEhQ5QOMo/s400/Green-Roon.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Anyone who has ever been in a band will have a story about a gig which went south on them quickly. Whether it's the time that a Dresden audience didn't exactly appreciate Motorhead's Lemmy quipping 'bet you ain't seen one of these in a while' while straddling a WWII bomber, the time the Arcade Fire complimented the '<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orange_walk#Controversy" target="_blank">brightly coloured marching band</a>' they saw earlier in the day at a gig in Belfast, or that time I was asked to play at my wee niece's second birthday party.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBJB8gkZ4oCe_yx3S2oZF2fxU0hQMDmzWn4mrdnxhwL3K6ivrfZlA9UvDFTJtbUlKF7BLbheV4nX7sahpbVBIdnBrYnLNrAlVzLWdFX6-VUmQOWUQ-OJ2b0BUViCFICNjBcB8WS01b/s1600/kids+crying.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBJB8gkZ4oCe_yx3S2oZF2fxU0hQMDmzWn4mrdnxhwL3K6ivrfZlA9UvDFTJtbUlKF7BLbheV4nX7sahpbVBIdnBrYnLNrAlVzLWdFX6-VUmQOWUQ-OJ2b0BUViCFICNjBcB8WS01b/s200/kids+crying.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Apparently Patti Smith's 'Rock n Roll Nigger' </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Still, despite these issues, few bands have ever had to contend with being locked in a room, threatened by a group of extremist skinheads led by Captain Jean-Luc Picard.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz6me616jerWnDNfVc0NyE8iRu6iNoPW-oFOZIvOftRgeT0IsbbpNVtm3chWQpoayZz1Y-v8xJxW6poxWHyeveWSFuuyS1nh5AFOQcphlOc-Suv_sM6KhX7D5O_r4rDnNJoxOIgM0d/s1600/ThePrinciple.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="166" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz6me616jerWnDNfVc0NyE8iRu6iNoPW-oFOZIvOftRgeT0IsbbpNVtm3chWQpoayZz1Y-v8xJxW6poxWHyeveWSFuuyS1nh5AFOQcphlOc-Suv_sM6KhX7D5O_r4rDnNJoxOIgM0d/s320/ThePrinciple.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Some poor people were once stuck in a screening room and forced </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">to listen to a gang of lunatics led by Captain Janeway though,</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sadly this is the fate of the protagonists of the new thriller Green Room, from Blue Ruin director Jeremy Suilnier. We are first properly introduced to our heroes as they are being interviewed for a small local radio station. During this interview the band explain that they are too legit to promote themselves or their gigs online and will instead struggle to travel from town to town playing in dive bars and shunning anything that might actually assist their music career. This scene most likely exists to make the band seem even more cut off from the world, explaining why no-one will be coming to look for them when they find themselves in trouble but it also works in building an intriguing parallel between the rather idiotic obsessions with 'purity' shared by both the hardcore punk scene and the neo-Nazis they are forced into conflict with.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoVHyhWdfFbmMEqB2R6x94SFYBuABuUbl-kNU8-Nv0FX_Bqjyh01cYN30Cla8LgkJng4ZK4EUIYzK4EvMgXGw8Ia_DsR34KFwXo6xSuMsLLnVKSrBlY-lxoj5CsGKciTlyLH8deQjE/s1600/punk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoVHyhWdfFbmMEqB2R6x94SFYBuABuUbl-kNU8-Nv0FX_Bqjyh01cYN30Cla8LgkJng4ZK4EUIYzK4EvMgXGw8Ia_DsR34KFwXo6xSuMsLLnVKSrBlY-lxoj5CsGKciTlyLH8deQjE/s200/punk.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Hey you! You're non-conforming in the wrong way!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Still despite their annoying hipster credentials, the band at the centre of the film manage to inspire our sympathy by being made up the hardcore power quartet of Pavel Chekov, wee John Shelby from Peaky Blinders, some guy I've never seen before and Maeby from Arrested Development.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijfQ5ZzzZhQweIbpXLVGO-Po6lIayQDr0C0ntv_thqiXgERpf9bcc4zPqm8m5lt-oOuquZu-S1wNXGgj4IzyvP8kAIl3I_xxqN749zE5g2UcVa6RWl5tn0zXQwHCONn27yRJ7DYxaw/s1600/franklin.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="111" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijfQ5ZzzZhQweIbpXLVGO-Po6lIayQDr0C0ntv_thqiXgERpf9bcc4zPqm8m5lt-oOuquZu-S1wNXGgj4IzyvP8kAIl3I_xxqN749zE5g2UcVa6RWl5tn0zXQwHCONn27yRJ7DYxaw/s200/franklin.png" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If only they brought Franklin. Surely he could've</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Shortly after playing a gig in a terrifying hick bar (with clientele so right wing even Nigel Farage wouldn't pose with a pint there) the guitarist (<i>Anton Yelchin</i>) accidentally witnesses a murder leading to the whole band being trapped in the eponymous Green Room and surrounded by a gang of white supremacists who most likely want to kill them. In one of the most ingenious pieces of stunt casting in years, the gang are led by a terrifyingly ruthless old racist played by none other than Patrick Stewart</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCIfUug5SHuXzpdT1K5vyrjQ0ByxdoogbzDV6UrWSmI82bWMnbOuQhLDN0BS5x-6gDnTVJGoMMuEboNjMwaYxhTGQDcMVGPFJiVuMdbTS80aoXiNCTarb-XP6GrUlWZBTBWej6vBjT/s1600/ps.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCIfUug5SHuXzpdT1K5vyrjQ0ByxdoogbzDV6UrWSmI82bWMnbOuQhLDN0BS5x-6gDnTVJGoMMuEboNjMwaYxhTGQDcMVGPFJiVuMdbTS80aoXiNCTarb-XP6GrUlWZBTBWej6vBjT/s200/ps.jpg" width="150" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Yep, THIS Patrick Stewart.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To say any more would be to spoil the enjoyment of the film but I can tell you that what follows is brutal tense thriller filled with sustained suspense, ratcheting tension and unexpectedly nasty violence. The film sparkles with wit and humour along with some genuinely shocking moments of carnage. The characters are engaging and likeable, supported by a brilliant cast of character actors. Also you get the satisfaction of seeing Nazis being dispensed with in the most gruesome ways since the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">How is this a PG?!!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Taking inspiration from the music at the heart of the story, this film (much like the best punk songs) is simple but taut, focussed, skilfully executed and is smart enough to end abruptly before outstaying it's welcome leaving you exhausted and begging for more. I loved it and would recommend it to anyone looking for solid, claustrophobic thrills (although I would suggest planning a relaxing playlist of music to help you calm back down afterwards - Dead Kennedys maybe?)</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Damn Straight!</span></td></tr>
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<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Our Kind Of Traitor</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>(Director: Susanna White Starring: Ewan McGregor, Naomie Harris, Stellan Skarsgard, Damien Lewis)</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Finally making it to our screens after finishing production all the way back in 2014 is Our Kind of Traitor, a new British spy thriller based on a novel by John Le Carre. Why this film was held back so long remains unknown but it has appeared at a perfect time after the moderate successes of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and A Most Wanted Man and the recent popularity of the BBC's adaption of The Night Manager while the world appears to be in some sort of Le Carre fever.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgpkkDy-sC4B-kKCS2fsZ6HwBtJie3juGR2TDREUP5GgTmAxKdZgtV0iLaQqWMGZouUfNmJFP9nFm6FVAWm4VIV0DmEnKKx2VhHZg6oPon-WW8WPdNADYrBn93QptV731kMN7hGvfg/s1600/carrie+fisher.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgpkkDy-sC4B-kKCS2fsZ6HwBtJie3juGR2TDREUP5GgTmAxKdZgtV0iLaQqWMGZouUfNmJFP9nFm6FVAWm4VIV0DmEnKKx2VhHZg6oPon-WW8WPdNADYrBn93QptV731kMN7hGvfg/s320/carrie+fisher.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Not to be confused with Carrie Fisher fever AKA cocaine.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The plot revolves around a lecturer (<i>Ewan McGregor</i>) and his barrister wife (<i>Naomie Harris</i>) who are on holiday in Marrakech in an attempt to rekindle their failing marriage. While there they encounter an eccentric Russian millionaire (played by the always excellent <i>Stellan Skarsgard</i>) who invites them out for a drink only to reveal himself as a major money launderer for the Russian mafia who is desperate to defect to the UK to protect his family.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In their attempts to help their new friend they enlist the help of an MI6 agent played by Homeland's Damien Lewis. A lot has been said about whether Lewis chose this role as a British spy as a sort of audition for soon-to-be vacant role of James Bond (similar rumours plagued Tom Hiddleston for The Night Manager and Idris Elba for Bastille Day) however I hope that these are false as, despite having every faith in Damien Lewis ever since his inspiring turn as Cpt Winters in Band of Brothers, his character here would make for a particularly smarmy, prissy and unsympathetic Bond.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Not that this matters since the more central heroic role is held by Ewan McGregor's rather ridiculously named everyman Peregrine Makepeace (yes, really.) His character begins as a simple man clearly floundering in a situation far out of his depth but in the space of a couple of days is chasing after bad guys through dark woods with a gun in his hand. He goes from annoying effete prat to action seeking badass in even less time than it takes Hugh Jackman to do the opposite as soon as someone mentions the words 'Musical Theatre.'</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Posted without comment.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The film also stars Naomie Harris whose character is described as being on the top barristers in the country but still gets pretty much nothing to do in the plot apart from being jealous and mopey about McGregor's adventures and occasionally babysit some kids. This is a sad disservice for an actress who has already made for a tough and intelligent Moneypenny (not to mention an incendiary turn as Winnie Mandela in 2013) who clearly deserves more to work with.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Also appearing in the film are Jeremy Northam and Sherlock/League of Gentleman's Mark Gatiss. Both are solid actors although they are both lumbered with simple, charisma-free roles which could have been just as easily put on screen by feeding their lines into a text-to-speech program and playing them over shots of a mannequin wearing a suit.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A technique codenamed: Sam Worthington</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Maybe it's just because I saw this film so shortly after the constant thrills of Green Room but, for a film with so much potential in it's concept, Our Kind of Traitor feels rather flat and unexciting. There just seems to be a lack of tension or urgency at any point even when the characters are explicitly shown to be in danger. The twists can all be seen from miles off and there is some strange directing choices which lead to unnecessary confusion (one major character death late in the film, despite being rather predictable, is filmed in such as way that you are left to assume that the person in question just spontaneously combusted). The villains in this film are supposed to be completely ruthless and vicious selection of the Vory V Zakone (the same Russian mafioso's that were so terrifying in Eastern Promises) but here they barely register a reaction. It says something when in this film one of the most powerful and dangerous groups of criminals on the planet inspire less fear than the my previously viewed film's villains which only consist of Professor Xavier flanked by the kind of real-life mutants created by generations of inbreeding. The most disturbing image in the whole film is probably a brief flash of Stellan Skarsgard's flaccid penis at a spa resort and even it has already survived so many Lars Von Trier films that it's probably due a nice safe recurring role in the Marvel Cinematic Universe by now.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">HIs arrival has already been foreshadowed!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ultimately Our Kind of Traitor is a watchable couple of hours that die-hard Le Carre fans may enjoy but is rather forgettable and a disappointing waste of a talented cast on a fairly lacklustre and mundane piece of storytelling.</span></div>
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The Mogulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13280029392130296186noreply@blogger.com1